


Nothing's Gonna Change My World

by mugglerock



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesiac Dean, Angst, Canon Compliant, Comatose Dean Winchester, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Dreams vs. Reality, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Homophobia, Hospitalization, Human Castiel, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Pansexual Dean, Romance, Season/Series 11 Spoilers, Sexual Content, Slow Build, Spoilers, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-05-29 05:30:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 40,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6361402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mugglerock/pseuds/mugglerock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Sam and Dean narrowly escape from Lucifer with another hand of god, an explosion causes Dean to find himself living halfway between two worlds every time he falls asleep.  One world is the life he has always known as a hunter.  And the “dream” world; where he finds out he’s been in a long-term care facility as a coma patient for the better part of 11 years.  Dean will have to decide which of these worlds is real and that is going to be a little more difficult than he expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Words Are Flowing Out Like

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: The premise is based on the HP fanfiction Oscillate Wildly by V.G. Marks (if you like Drarry, I highly recommend it!) which was based on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode, “Normal Again." The skeletal structure for the premise is the same, but there are quite a few differences as well. I hope I do the concept justice! 
> 
> Disclaimer: Supernatural, its characters, and certain items and places referenced are owned by Eric Kripke; television networks including but not limited to: Warner Brothers and the CW. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. The actors of the television program are in no way affiliated with this work.

“Thank you so much! We’ll definitely check it out!” Sam exclaimed, apparently very excited. Dean watched his brother curiously from the far end of the table in the library as Sam quickly approached and pulled out the chair across from him.

“Good news?” Dean asked, his tone light and curious, while still indicating a mild disinterest.

“That was the relic’s dealer Eileen got me in touch with. He knows the location of another possible hand of God.”

 _That_ got Dean’s interest. His eyes lit up as he straightened his posture and leaned forward in the chair. He rubbed his hands together, “It’s about damn time we caught a break! What is it?” Dean thought for a moment and amended, “Where is it?”

Sam’s grin could have lit up a room, “That’s the best part! It’s less than a five hour drive from here.”

Dean wanted to feel as excited as Sammy, and he might have if a feeling of dread hadn't quickly loomed over. The amount of times they had been steered in the wrong direction looking for “hands of god” or whatever other objects that could be powerful enough to defeat Amara. Or worse yet, finding said objects and then having to use them to fend off Lucifer, or Nazi necromancers; rendering the objects useless... Man, he felt tired. Dean didn’t want his train of thought going in the direction of his best friend, who was currently hosting the freakin’ devil. He shook his head a little to mentally push away the tangent his brain had started and asked his brother, “I hate to be a skeptical Sally, but how do you know this is the real deal?”

Sam leaned forward to match his brother, resting his elbows against the table. He smiled, “Well, the relic he told me about is one I’ve actually researched, but based on what I had found, I just assumed it was a bust.” 

There was a pause and Dean assumed his brother was doing it for dramatic effect. He sighed in annoyance and motioned with his right hand for Sam to continue, “Come on, dude. Just tell me!”

Sam laughed and nodded in surrender, “Alright, sorry. Have you heard of the Shroud of Turin?”

Dean rolled his eyes, “Oh yeah, of course, the good ol’ shroud of turin!”

Sam continued as though his brother never interjected, “So, it’s this linen cloth that was supposedly the burial shroud of Jesus of Nazareth and has the imprint of his face on it, it’s kept in a cathedral in Italy and is well protected. It seemed like a good start as far as a likely hand of God, but when I did more research, it seemed to be a dead end. After carbon dating the thing in ‘88, it was found to only be from the Middle Ages.”

“Dude, Jesus was real?”

Sam let out a frustrated huff, “Dean, we have been fighting all sorts of Supernatural beings for our whole lives. At this point it’s bordering on delusional that you still get surprised at the existence of ANYTHING. Anyway, this dealer was telling me that the REAL shroud had been stolen from the cathedral in the 70’s and had been circulated among wealthy buyers all over the world since.” 

“How does he know this?” Dean asked, still feeling skeptical, but there was a humming of hope fluttering in his chest.

His brother smirked knowingly, “Because he arranged for its transfer into the hands of an extremely wealthy buyer through his third party mediator several years ago. And guess who his mediator was?”

Dean thought for a moment, but it didn’t take too long as realization hit him and he confirmed, “Bela.” It wasn’t a question, who else would sell the freakin’ burial shroud of Jesus?

“Bela,” Sam repeated with a nod as he continued, “She helped get it sold and now it’s in a protected storage unit in Jackson County, Missouri.”

Dean let out a bark of laughter before he cried out, “The Garden of Eden!” His outburst caused a pained expression to don his brother’s face. Sammy was clearly confused. Dean smiled and elaborated, “Like in the song from the Book of Mormon?” When Sam's face went from confused to clearly un-amused, Dean almost felt like pouting. When would people ever get his references? He shrugged and stood up. He grabbed his jacket from off of the back of the chair and said, “Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go get this shroud thing so we can finally save Cas and gank that bitch once and for all.”

//SPN//

There was some heavy duty hoodoo-witchcraft protecting the storage unit, but thanks to the tips from the dealer, they were able to successfully avoid and dismantle the traps. There were two rooms in the particular unit; the one near the exit that was lit and seemed to have less crates to go through, and the connecting room in the back that was dark and filled with probably twice as many crates. He and Sammy decided to split up the rooms and play 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' for the “better” one. 

After losing, Dean walked dejectedly into the dark back room to start his search. As he was looking through the various crates and boxes that littered the room, it occurred to him that the room looked like a smaller version of Hanger 51 from Indiana Jones. That made him wonder just how many other crazy important artifacts might be hidden in there. God, he really hoped his face wasn’t going to melt off if he opened the box the shroud was in. His thoughts of a young Harrison Ford were interrupted by a loud crash. Dean ducked behind a set of four crates that towered over him and looked around for the source of the commotion.

He carefully looked out from behind his makeshift hiding spot and saw no discernible movement. "Sammy?” He called out in a firm whisper. At the lack of response from his brother, Dean ventured further out from behind the crates. As he carefully tip-toed in the darkness, trying to make out any movements, a flash of light came out of nowhere and crashed into the crate directly to his left. Dean was able to duck out of the way, but his success was short lived. An invisible force slammed him against a wall, holding him there a couple of feet off of the ground. Suddenly the room was illuminated and Lucifer walked in wearing his best friend’s face, accompanied by a couple of lackey demons.

Lucifer smiled lasciviously at Dean, giving him a wink in that annoyingly cocky way. “Fancy meeting you here!” The angel said as he approached. He turned to his lackeys and nodded, a nonverbal command for them to search for the shroud. He turned his attention back to Dean and waved his hand, releasing the invisible force holding him up. 

Dean grunted as he landed unceremoniously on the ground again. Gaining his momentum back he immediately pulled the nearest weapon he had on him, an angel blade. That’ll do. As he furnished the blade, Lucifer waved his hand again, flinging the weapon out of Dean’s hand, as well as the hidden .45 he had in his holster in different directions across the storage unit. 

The angel tutted disapprovingly and tilted his head in feign curiosity, “That’s no way to treat an old friend now, is it?”

“You’re no friend of mine, you piece of shit,” Dean practically spat. He charged the angel, lack of weapons be damned. Even knowing it was definitely not going to end well, he figured he could get at least one good punch in before meeting his untimely death. The hunter was instantaneously thrown back by the invisible force again. This time he knew he would stay pinned against the wall.

Lucifer laughed, a mocking and harsh sound that seemed completely out of place in Cas’ voice. “Oh, Dean. I thought we could at least TRY to have a civilized conversation without resorting to fisticuffs.”

“Where’s my brother?” Dean demanded.

The angel feigned a pout and pressed his hand against his heart as though he was emotionally wounded. “No pleasantries? No foreplay? Just right to the point, huh? I feel like a piece of meat!”

The hatred Dean felt in that moment was so tangible, he swore he could feel it pumping through his veins. He struggled against the invisible force, even though he knew it was pointless. “Just kill me already.”

Lucifer paced in a circle in front of Dean before halting close to him. “Don’t you want to know how I found you? How I found what you were looking for?”

“I’m not interested in your bond villain monologue of unveiling your master plan before dangling me over a tank of sharks, thanks.” 

He smiled, “That’s why I like you, Dean. You’ve got spunk!”

Dean groaned. He had made peace with dying a long time ago. Hell, he even made peace with going back to hell. He was pretty sure that was his endgame,. There was no way, after everything he and Sammy had done, that either of them were going to the great white automaton factory in the sky. But he’d be damned if he was going to have the last words he hear be the bullshit spewing from the douchebag devil’s mouth. “I don’t give a rat’s ass if you like me or not. If you’re going to kill me, just do it already, anything is better than listening to this horse shit.” 

“Dean, Dean, Dean. I don’t know what I’ve done to you to cause you to feel such hatred towards me. We’re both on the same team here, remember? Eradicating the darkness?”

As his anger bubbled, Dean lost control of his emotions and screamed, “You tried to reign in the apocalypse! You possessed my brother! You’re possessing my best friend! You bastard!”

Lucifer laughed cruelly. He smirked and calmly replied, “Castiel wanted this, Dean.”

That comment incited Dean more than any of the others. He knew that Cas had to have agreed to be Lucifer’s vessel, but there was no way he “wanted” it. The stupid ass probably thought it was the only way to beat the darkness. As usual Cas was willing to sacrifice himself, like he always did, for what he thought was the greater good. The dumb Vulcan minded ass. Dean wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, but more than anything else, he wanted to save Cas. He looked into the eyes of his friend, eyes that at that moment had a coldness he had never seen in them before. “Cas, come on, buddy, I know you’re in there. Eject that asshole, we don’t need him to fight Amara, we need you! Cas, please! You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for! We’ve been to hell and back, shit, literally. We can get through this just... I’m begging you, come back to me.” Dean pleaded, his voice cracking as he felt an overwhelming sadness envelop him at the thought of losing Cas for good. 

Lucifer let out another bark of laughter that ended abruptly and crackled out. His face contorted from the joker-esque smirk he had into a full on grimace. He grunted in pain as his entire body began to shake. 

The force holding Dean in place started to loosen the more violent the shaking became; but as quickly as it had started, it stopped. Dean realized he could move. Lucifer was hunched over, trembling slightly. Dean knew he should find Sammy and get the hell out of there, but he was compelled to approach the angel. Something was off and he tried to not let hope consume him. He carefully reached out to touch the angel’s shoulder and asked a tentative, “Cas?”

This caused the angel to snap up and look him in the eyes. 

It was weird, but Dean could tell at that moment that Lucifer was checked out, that it was the Cas show. Something about the way the angel stared at him, even though he looked tired and a little worse for wear, his crazy blue eyes shimmered with a relief that could only belong to Castiel. Dean couldn’t help but smile, “Hi, Cas.”

“Hello, Dean.” He replied in his normal, gravelly voice.

Dean was pretty sure he had never heard two more beautiful words uttered than Cas’ standard greeting for him in that very moment. He felt like laughing and crying at the same time. The heaviness whenever he thought about his friend's predicament was momentarily gone. In its place was relief and some other emotion he couldn't quite place. Eh, whatever, it didn't matter in that moment. Dean wanted grab onto the dumb angel and never let go. Hell, he could have kissed Cas, and whoa… that was not something he expected to ever think. What the hell, brain? Kiss Cas? That’s freakin’ nuts! He pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind, now was not the time for a sexuality crisis. Dean grasped his friend’s arm pulling him toward the other room, “Come on, let’s get Sam and get the hell outta here.”

Cas recoiled, “I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t eject him, I’m just holding him back long enough for you and Sam to escape.”

Dean felt like his heart dropped into his stomach at that. “No, come on, Cas! You don’t need him!”

The angel shook his head, “You wouldn’t understand. Please, hurry, I don’t know how much longer I can hold him back. Sam was trapped by the same spell you were, so he’s free too. You can both escape if you leave now. Please, Dean?” Cas’ blue eyes were watery as he pleaded with his friend.

Before Dean could argue further, Sam appeared out of nowhere and grabbed him by the arm, “Let’s go, Dean!”

He shook his brother off of his arm, “Not without Cas!”

At this, the angel stood straight and bellowed out, “I can’t contain him much longer, leave! NOW!” At Dean’s hesitation, Cas shoved him so hard he fell into Sam. 

Sam yanked his brother by the sleeve of his jacket and practically dragged him out of the storage unit. Dean let himself be pulled, but he never broke eye contact with Cas until the door closed and they were safely outside. 

Sam locked the door and started murmuring an incantation. It sounded like the reverse of the ones they had used on the traps when they had first arrived. The unit started to shake and bright lights poured through all of the cracks. It sounded like firecrackers had been set off inside.

Dean cried out, “Cas!” as Sam started to pull him to where Baby was parked.

“He’ll be fine!”

Dean shook his brother off and darted back towards the door of the unit, ignoring the cries of “Dean!” being yelled by Sam. As he moved to grasp the handle, a blinding white light engulfed him and suddenly everything went dark as the sounds of his brother’s cries faded into nothingness.

//SPN//

When Dean came to, it was still dark. He had no idea how long he’d been out of it. He felt disoriented, his head hurt, and he couldn’t figure out where he was. He looked around but there was still nothing but blackness. His eyes weren’t adjusting and it was starting to make him feel a little panicky. He tried to cry out for Sam, but found he wasn’t able to speak. Shit, how bad was that spell? Was he blind now? Was he mute? 

It was then he could hear the sound of voices, they were faint and muffled, almost as if they were under water. Before he could resign himself to thinking that maybe he had become partially deaf from the blast too, the voices started to get louder and clearer.

“Benny, if you could get environmental services to change the sheets for room nine, there’s a new long-term care admit being transferred in from Memorial in two hours. Oh, and If you could draw some labs on Winchester, I’ll put the orders in after I check on the Mills boy.” A female voice stated.

“Got it, Chief.”

That voice sounded remarkably like Benny. That was impossible though, Benny was dead. It was probably just a coincidence that a man with the name Benny had the same Louisiana drawl and voice of his old friend. Then it dawned on him, he was in a hospital! Damnit, Sammy! They had agreed that short of serious blood or limb loss, no hospitals! Sam was going to get a beat down as soon as he was able to see and speak.

He heard footsteps approach him and a light flooded the room. Dean blinked a few times as everything came into focus. He turned to look to his right side where the, presumably nurse, was drawing blood for the doctor and it fucking _was_ Benny! What the hell was going on? 

“You’re supposed to be dead,” Dean commented, his voice was very scratchy and it actually hurt to use it. It was like he hadn’t spoken in years.

The fake Benny jumped back with a yelp. The hand that was holding the needle was visibly shaking. “I… I… Uh…” He stuttered unintelligibly. Before Dean could ask any more questions, fake Benny yelled, “Bed A is awake!” He ran out of the hospital room screaming, “Bed A is awake, Dr. Milton! Dr. Milton! Bed A is awake!”

Dean moved to follow the lunatic to figure out what was going on and found he didn’t have the strength. He could move his legs and toes, so he wasn’t paralyzed, but his legs felt like pie filling. He was pretty sure he’d collapse if he tried standing on them. What the hell was going on and where the hell was Sam?


	2. Endless Rain Into A Paper Cup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the crowd slowly made their way out of the room, Anna Milton emerged from behind them. He was dreaming, he had to be; or maybe another Djinn got to him. They _had_ been in a creepy storage facility… Because there was absolutely no way this was real. Despite the fact that it felt very real, he was clearly hallucinating, or his mind was being fucked with.

Dean attempted to sit up and felt something poking in his abdomen. He pushed the blanket off and pulled the hospital gown up to find a weird looking plastic plug with a long tube attached sticking out of his stomach just above his bellybutton. He contemplated ripping it out when several nurses and other staff came running into the room. They all stared at him like he was some sort of anomaly. Their staring turned into guilty looks when he heard a stern, “You all need to clear out this instance!”

As the crowd slowly made their way out of the room, Anna Milton emerged from behind them. He was dreaming, he had to be; or maybe another Djinn got to him. They _had_ been in a creepy storage facility… Because there was absolutely no way this was real. Despite the fact that it felt very real, he was clearly hallucinating, or his mind was being fucked with. Dean looked her up and down. She looked great, her beautiful red hair was pulled back in an elegant bun and she had on makeup; it was minimal, but effective. She was wearing a white lab coat and had a stethoscope around her neck. Ah, he recalled fake Benny crying out for a Dr. Milton, although he never thought it would be her. This world was turning out to be a weird reunion of all of the friends he had lost in the senseless battle between Heaven and Hell for the past seven years.

Dean needed to know what was going on, and if Heaven or angels were the ones behind this, whatever it was; he swore if he ever met God, he would punch that worthless dick dead in the face. As Anna approached him, he asked, “What’s going on, Anna? Why are you here? Is something about to go down?”

She stopped dead in her tracks, staring at him with a shocked and slightly confused expression on her face. “How do you know my name?” She asked carefully.

He wanted to snap at her for being purposely obtuse. He was sick and tired of being the puppet for all of these supernatural dicks. Whatever the hell was the endgame for yet another mindfuck, he didn't have time for it. Not with the freakin' devil running loose and the Darkness wreaking havoc. Dean opened his mouth to bite out a sarcastic response when Metatron walked into the room. He was dressed in dark green scrubs and was pushing some sort of hotel-looking cleaning cart. Dean flung the blankets off and, wobbly legs be damned, he made to move towards the Scribe of God. He was going to beat the prick to within an inch of his life. “You stupid, son of a bitch!”

Metatron recoiled and backed up against the wall. He looked genuinely scared, which was really weird. That douche usually looked smug. The pathetic excuse for an angel, or rather, former angel, trembled like a terrified rabbit.

Anna was immediately at Dean’s side, trying to stop him from moving too much or hurting himself, “Mr. Winchester, please calm down!”

He tried to push her away, but found his arm strength was just as minimal as his legs, “What are you waiting for, Anna? Smite that bitch! He’s responsible for all of this shit!”

She called out for assistance and suddenly he was flanked at both sides by two large men, probably nurses, although they looked more like bouncers. He continued to struggle against them, screaming at Metatron, who just continued to stand there and shiver like a petrified rabbit. Anna appeared at his side again, holding a needle. Shit, she was going to drug him, he had to get out! The large dude on his left held his arm down as she pushed the needle into his IV port.

“This will help,” Anna said in a soothing tone to Dean, who was immediately feeling the effects of whatever it was she put in the IV. His eyelids started feeling very heavy and it was getting more and more difficult to keep them open. Whatever she gave him was good shit. He fell back against his pillow, starting to feel all floaty and light. The last thing Dean heard, before the darkness of sleep engulfed him, was Anna telling the nurses to get somebody named “Curtis” out of the room. 

//SPN//

When Dean woke up, he was in his room in the bunker. He sat up, turned on his bedside lamp and looked around. Nothing seemed out of place or different. Maybe it had been a really vivid dream? He moved to stand up and had no difficulty. Huh. The leg and arm weakness had felt so real. It all felt so damn real. He grabbed his small switchblade off of the bedside table and pressed it into his forearm, making a small cut. Dean hissed at the pain, it really hurt. Good, not a dream or a hallucination. 

He needed to find Sam. It was possible that the dream was just that, a dream; but too often they brushed shit like that off and it usually ended with one of them dying, or worse. Dean walked out into the pseudo dining area where they do all of their research and found his brother sitting at the table, laptop in front of him and a pathetic plate of rabbit food to his left. 

Sam looked up, “How are you feeling?”

Dean disregarded the question and countered, “How long was I out, Sammy?”

His brother smiled and said, “You actually were asleep for eight hours. You must have needed it after all the shit we went through last night…”

He approached Sam and pulled out the chair across from him. Moving to sit in the chair, he asked carefully, “What happened after that weird white light?”

Sam’s smile faltered and he looked genuinely concerned, “You don’t remember?”

“Of course I don’t, that’s why I’m askin’, ain’t it?”

Sam proceeded to tell him how Dean was flung back by the light, and when he stood up they made a run for it. Once safely inside Baby, Dean drove them home and Sam gleefully showed Dean how he had found the shroud and was able to successfully hide it before Lucifer came in and almost ruined everything. 

At this Dean let out a sigh of relief. “It’s about damn time something went right for us!”

Sam still looked concerned, “You seriously don’t remember driving us back? I mean, it was a five hour drive. We even hit a drive-thru!”

Dean shook his head, he was going to have to ruin the moment of finally having a win by telling Sam about his weird dream. He might have been able to shrug it off as just some crazy ass dream, but he knew better than to take something like forgetting a five hour road trip lightly. He let out a sigh, “Sammy, I’ve got to tell you something…”

//SPN//

After going into explicit detail about the bizarre dream, Sam turned his attention back to his laptop, pulling up some sort of dream interpretation website. 

Dean scoffed at his brother, “Come on, there’s no way that’s got an explanation! Hell, you said yourself that my dream was medically accurate and I don’t know dick about legit medical stuff. You think Dr. Sexy is popular for its accuracy?”

Sam shrugged, “I don’t know, Dean. There’s got to be an explanation. Maybe getting hit by that white light was like, some sort of hallucinogen?”

“So, shouldn’t we research that spell, instead of embracing our inner hippies and checking a dream website?”

Sam nodded his assent, “I’m going to text Eileen and see if she has any ideas...”

Dean smiled, “Now you’re thinking!”

//SPN//

That night, after seven straight hours of extensive research on the spells that surrounded the storage unit and coming up with nothing to connect the two incidents; the brothers finally gave up their search for the time being. They had bigger fish to fry than a weird dream that may just be some subconscious guilt thing. Dean couldn’t believe after a full eight hour night of sleep he was even tired enough to go to bed, but he was.

He completed his nightly routine, which usually consisted of taking a couple of shots of whiskey, brushing his teeth, and literally crawling into his bed in just some boxer briefs and a t-shirt.  


Dean lay in bed for a while, his mind running a million miles a minute. After spending most of their evening discussing in great detail and researching the hell out of the dream, he purposely tried to not think about it. Instead, he thought about Cas. Mostly he wondered if his friend was okay. Dean hated their current situation so much; he hated knowing the angel had decided that he was better off being a vessel for the goddamn devil instead of coming to him and Sam. They would have figured some way to defeat the darkness without having freakin’ Lucifer on the loose. They had always managed to succeed against the odds in the past.

Did Cas really think so little of himself? Did he really think he was less significant and less important and less needed than Lucifer? Dean started evaluating his treatment of his friend. Maybe he hadn’t shown or expressed enough to the angel just how damn important he was to him and Sam. Dean couldn’t imagine his life without the angel. He spent over half of his life not even believing in angels, but ever since Cas raised him from perdition, his foundation of belief had been shaken to its core. He finally knew that angels were real and so was God, but it became apparent damn quick that most of them were asshats; Cas almost always having been the exception. Despite all of their ups and downs, the losing of trust and slow rebuilding of it over and over again; he knew he trusted the angel implicitly. Hell, there had been moments where he felt like he trusted the angel even more than his own brother. 

Over the years Cas had grown to mean more to him than he could ever comprehend. And it was not because Cas was useful. While the angel _had_ been useful in saving their asses more times than they could count, that wasn’t the point. It was the moments they shared when they could just, be. When he tried to get Cas laid and the pro freaked out on him because Cas was just so... Cas. Dean smiled fondly at that memory, at the full-on belly laugh he experienced and appreciated. 

When they went hunting together and Cas just couldn’t fathom the concept of posing as an FBI agent. Utterly incapable of grasping the concept of dishonesty. As annoyed as Dean had felt with him the day they searched for Raphael all of those years ago, remembering it at that moment brought a smile to his face. That goofy bastard with his lack of people skills had managed to worm his way into Dean Winchester’s heart, and that was no easy feat. Hell, pretty much the only people who succeeded to do that were his family, blood and non blood alike; and Lisa and Ben. Wow. He didn’t want to think what that might mean. 

Dean turned over onto his side and decided to focus on something peaceful until he fell asleep. He started counting down all of the hits of his favorite bands in order of the years they were released. As he drifted off into a deep slumber, he swore he could hear Anna’s voice.

//SPN//

Dean woke up to a bright light shining in his face. As his eyes focused more, he was faced with Anna again. She smiled fondly at him, “How are you feeling, Mr. Winchester? You gave us all quite the scare!”

He was back in the hospital room from last night. What the hell? Okay, something was definitely going on, there was no way a dream just easily picks up where it leaves off. There was something fishy going on. He adjusted his position to sit more upright. For the time being it was probably safest to try and play along, maybe figure out what was causing him to be in this weirdly realistic dream world. He and Sam had confirmed the spell wasn’t crafted with any African dream root, so it likely wasn't connected to that. Maybe this was the result of some other kind of witch craft? Whatever it was, as long as a camera wasn't filming him he could Leonardo DiCaprio the shit out of playing the part of confused patient.

“What happened?” Dean asked.

Anna smiled at him with a fond expression, “I can’t say for sure, but I think there are remnants of the dreams you’ve been having that seem to have seeped into the real world and it caused you to have a severe panic attack. I gave you some Demerol to calm you down.”

Dean nodded his understanding, even though she didn’t really answer the question he was asking. “Anna, why are my legs so weak? Was I hurt?”

She looked taken aback at the use of her first name again but appeared to just brush it off. “How much do you remember prior to the accident?”

An accident huh? Dean wondered if she was referring to the explosion of white light. “Ummm, well, right before the accident, Sammy and I got away from Lucifer when he cornered us in a storage unit in Missourri because Cas was able to hold him back long enough. And then there was a bright flash of light that knocked me out. Why would that hurt my legs, though?”

Anna stared at him for a few moments. She looked very concerned and asked, “Are you being funny, Mr. Winchester?”

“What’s the deal with this ‘Mr. Winchester’ stuff? Considering we’ve seen each other naked, it’s a little formal, don’t you think?”

The concern on her face deepened. She moved to stand and said, “Excuse me, I’ve got to make a phone call.”

Before Dean could ask her what was wrong, the red head had already left the room. “Weird.” He said out loud to no one. Maybe he had less DiCaprio'd the role and more Keanu Reeves'd it. Whatever, time to try to figure out as much as he could on his own. He looked to his right and saw a bedside table that had a couple of framed photographs on it. There was one of him and Sammy as kids, as well as one of his parents smiling at each other lovingly. It was weird, he’d never seen those pictures before. Although, that might not be all that surprising; they had lived the lives of drifters since Sammy was six months old, so carrying photos around wasn’t a necessity. 

There was also a little match car that looked just like Baby next to the photos and a stuffed toy angel. Dean picked up the angel and found a little heart shaped tag on it. He opened the tag and handwritten inside of it said, “To my Demon; Love, Your Angel”.

Alright, so that meant he had a girlfriend in this Bizarro world and keepsakes of his family. At least he had narrowed some of this shit down, but he was still missing some substantial background information. Mostly, he wanted to know why the hell he couldn't stand up and what the freakin’ tube in his stomach was for. Not to mention, he felt like he had to take a piss, but there was no bedpan around and he was pretty sure he wasn't going to be able to walk to a bathroom. He attempted to move and that only made his need to pee feel worse. Dean pulled the blankets off again. Weak legs be damned, he was going to try to get himself to a bathroom. That was when he noticed there was a tube also coming out of his dick. What the hell? This dream was so elaborate he even had a freakin’ catheter!

Well, at least he knew why he felt like he had to pee. Dean turned his body around and pushed his legs over the side of the bed. Screw it, he still wanted to test the limits of his weirdly skinny legs. He grasped the rail with both arms and tried to pull himself up, elated with the fact that he could stand. The aching in his calves became so intense so quickly, he immediately had to sit back down. Shit, it was like he had lost all possible muscle in his legs.

Anna then came in with another doctor, at least he was pretty sure it was another doctor. The dude looked professional, but wasn’t in a lab coat or wearing any other medical gear. The man gave Dean a soft smile and moved to sit in the chair Anna had previously sat. “Hello, Dean. I’m Dr. Shepherd.”

Dean smirked, that was damn hilarious. “Nice to meet you.”

“Dr. Milton here informed me of your most recent memory and I was hoping we could talk?”

Ah, probably a shrink. Everyone was sticking to this fantasy world pretty damn hard. Alright, if it helped him get to the bottom of what was going on and who was behind this, he could play along. Dean smiled, “Well, how far back do you want me to go?”

//SPN//

After Dean finished spilling his guts to the head shrinker, basically telling him an adjunct version of his entire life, Dr. Shepherd thanked him and made to leave. Dean feigned going to sleep when he noticed him stop in the doorway to quietly talk to Dr. Milton about his possible diagnosis.

“It’s curious. I think he’s suffering from a complex version of partial amnesia and in its place, the fantasy world he’s created in his dreams seems to have replaced all of his actual memories prior to the accident. We’re going to have to run some extensive tests to figure out the extent of the memory loss. I think the fantasies are innocent enough, to be perfectly honest, but he could definitely benefit from some more therapy. I would like to get a CT of his head, as well as draw a few labs.”

He heard Anna ask, “Could it be related to the brain injury, you think?”

“Honestly, I’m not sure. I’ve never seen anything quite like this before, of course, I’ve never seen a patient who’s been in a persistent vegetative state this long actually wake up. Before we start any cognitive and memory therapy, I think it would be beneficial for him to start building his physical strengths; take the g-tube out and maybe get him to P.T. to start strengthening exercises.”

Anna made a confirming noise and added, “The orders are in for that. The tube should be taken out some time tomorrow. He needs to be NPO and we need time to flush it. What about letting his family visit? Will that worsen the effects?”

“Actually, no. That might help him, in fact. And I’m sure they would appreciate knowing he’s awake, even if he won’t remember them as they were.”

The talking between the two doctors became more muffled as they left the room. Dean sat up. Okay, so he was in some Bizarro universe where he’d been in some kind of coma for an unknown amount of time because of some sort of accident that caused a brain injury. This weird dream was starting to become more and more intricate. Ah well, family being allowed to visit meant he was going to see Sammy soon. Maybe in this world his geeky kid brother would be shorter than him!

//SPN//

A few hours after the head doc had left, Anna came back into the room. Dean smiled at her, “What’s going on, Anna?”

She smiled and moved to sit in the chair, “I wanted to prepare you. Your family is here. They’ve been waiting for this moment for a very long time. They’ve been made aware of your situation with your memory. I’m guessing emotions will probably be high, but we’re here for you if you need a break or anything, okay?” She squeezed his hand in a comforting manner.

Dean squeezed back and shrugged. “Sammy can get emotional sometimes, but I think we’ll be okay…”

Anna nodded and released his hand to grab a hold of her chart and a pen. “I also wanted to discuss briefly what happened to you before we bring them in. Dr. Shepherd said you don’t recall anything from this ‘bizarro universe’ he said you’re calling it.”

Dean chuckled and shook his head, “Nope, sorry.”

She smiled sweetly and continued, “I’m going to ask you a few questions quickly, do you mind?”

He shook his head again and answered, “Ask away…”

“Can you tell me what year it is?”

“2016.”

Anna nodded, obviously pleased with his answer. She pressed on, “Do you know where you are?”

“In or near Lebanon?” Dean asked as his answer.

This time she shook her head, “Actually you’re in Topeka, this is the closest long-term care facility to your home town; do you recall your home town?” 

“Lawrence?” He asked, a little confused that they’d be so far from Lebanon.

Anna nodded again and paused to write down stuff on the chart in her hands. She turned to look up and smile at him, “Okay, now for the tougher questions: you know what year it is, which is great, but you don’t seem surprised by that. Do you remember what caused you to be here?”

Dean shook his head again. Finally, he was going to know what the deal was with this place.

Anna continued, “You got into a pretty nasty car accident. Because your car did not have seat-belts, you were ejected and sustained multiple injuries. You were flown to the nearest trauma center and treated for a displaced femur fracture, bilateral tibia fractures, a pneumothorax in your right lung, an epidural hematoma, subdural and subarachnoid hemorrhage, among a lot of bodily lacerations.”

Dean quirked his brow with a lack of amusement and asked, “And in English that means?”

She appeared embarrassed as her cheeks became tinged in a soft pink color and amended, “Basically you sustained multiple complex injuries to your legs, chest, and head.”

“Okay, well I seem to be fine, other than my legs being super weak and having a bunch of different tubes poking out of me. How long ago was this car accident?”

Anna seemed hesitant to answer, but did anyway, “Eleven years ago. You were admitted to the ICU at Mercy General in Lawrence and stayed there until your body recovered. You were physically healed, and the scans of your brain showed activity, but you remained in a persistent vegetative state until, well, this morning.”

“Is that like a coma?”

“Well,” she started, “yes and no. A persistent vegetative state means you have brain function, but are unable to move or respond to your environment. There’s sometimes small movements, like your eyelids would flutter open, occasional spontaneous body movements, and groaning. But, for all intents and purposes, you would be classified as having been comatose for eleven years.”

Dean was taken aback. Why would he wake up in a world of having been in an eleven year coma? It sounded like a bad soap opera plot device. Whoever was behind this dream obviously needed to upgrade to HBO. “So, I suddenly woke up from a coma I’ve been in since I was 26? Am I going to find out I’ve had an evil twin this whole time, too?”

Anna laughed, “You’re taking this news remarkably well, considering.”

He shrugged at her, half tempted to tell her she was just a figment of his, or potentially someone else’s imagination, but decided against it. 

“Okay, well, that’s enough for today. I’ll go get your family.” She left and a few minutes later the door slowly creaked open.

There were two figures standing hesitantly in the doorway. Huh, that was weird. Maybe dream Sammy brought dream Eileen. Those two were getting awfully chummy lately. He couldn’t quite make out who they were until one of them stepped further into the room. Dean gasped, his breath caught in his throat. His voice cracked as he called out a broken, “M… Mom?”


	3. They Slither Wildly As They Slip Away, Across the Universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam did a literal spit take. Shit, he didn’t think that happened outside of the movies or TV shows. He smiled at the situation, it might be the only opportunity he was going to get to enjoy this moment before his baby brother started ragging on him. After the spit take, Sam gave his brother a somber look and asked, “Are you serious?”
> 
> Dean nodded. At that Sam then burst into a fit of giggles. There was no other way to describe it. There was no way the small fits of girlish sounding laughter could be described as anything other than giggling. When his brother was finally able to compose himself, he cried out, “Deastiel!” before collapsing into another fit of giggles.

Mary slowly approached Dean, she seemed to be in a daze and when she finally reached his bed, she fell across him, gripping him in the tightest hug. She started to cry, still not having spoken any words. Dean gripped her back just as tightly and felt the tears well up in his own eyes. His mom was alive. In Bizarro world, his mom was ALIVE. They stayed in that position for a few minutes, his head buried in the crook of his mother’s neck until he felt a strong grip on his calf. Dean turned to look up and there was his father, his face wet from his own tears. Dean choked back a sob and pulled the man’s hand forward to pull him into a slightly awkward three person hug. They stayed like that for almost ten minutes, just holding onto each other.

Finally, John pulled back and Mary followed. He sat in the chair beside Dean’s bed, while Mary remained sitting on the side of his bed, gripping her son’s hand and holding it. Dean smiled as he looked down at their entwined hands. 

Dean finally broke the silence, his voice cracking again as he whispered, “I miss you guys so much…” 

Mary let out a wet laugh, clogged by all of her tears and replied, “We missed you too, baby.”

John nodded emphatically, “It’s so damn good to see you, son.”

Dean felt like crying even more. This may be a dream world, but damnit if it didn’t bring him immense joy to see his parents together. He suddenly remembered the dream world the Djinn placed him in, there had to be a catch, there always was a catch. He decided he needed to try and figure out what it was. Dean asked, “Where’s Sammy?”

Mary smiled fondly and answered, “He’s probably going to get here tomorrow. The first flight he could catch doesn’t depart until 4am tomorrow.”

“Where’s he coming from?”

Mary’s eyes welled up with tears again as she said, “I’m so sorry, baby. I forgot about your memories.”

Dean squeezed her hand reassuringly, “It’s alright.”

She took a deep breath and continued, “After getting into Stanford and graduating with honors, your brother stayed in California after being offered a position with a law firm in Palo Alto.”

John puffed out his chest with pride, “He’s a partner now.”

Dean wanted to cry. His brother was a _lawyer_. Not only a lawyer, a freakin' partner. Sammy reached his goal. He couldn’t even begin to express how happy he felt at hearing that. And hearing that Sammy was going to take the first red eye flight to Kansas to see him. Surely that must mean they had a good relationship. Bizarro universe was turning out to be a pretty awesome place so far. Then he asked the question he’d been dying to ask since he got to this world, “Do you, uh, do you guys hunt?”

Both John and Mary looked thoroughly confused by that question. John was the one to ask, “Do you mean like deer and duck huntin’, son?”

Dean shook his head, “No, you know, _hunting_ ,” he emphasized.

The pair of them still looked confused and Mary asked, “What kind of hunting?”

In for a penny in for a pound, right? He decided to just ask outright, “You know, demons, ghosts, werewolves, vampires; generally the scum of the earth?”

The confusion on his parents’ faces grew serious and exponentially concerned. They looked at each other, apparently unsure of how to proceed. Dean looked at them expectantly, and finally John was the one to respond. “Buddy, uh, there’s uh… there’s no such thing.”

Ah, like in the Djinn universe his family doesn’t know about hunting. He was going to have to try and get his hands on a laptop and a cell phone. If his family didn’t know about the supernatural, he sure as hell wasn’t going to be the one to enlighten them. As their faces grew more and more concerned, Dean laughed and said, “I was, uh… I was joking.” He flashed them a bright smile and they both seemed to visibly relax. 

//SPN//

Dean had been happily listening to his parents tell him stories for the better part of two hours when Anna walked back into the room. She cleared her throat and said, “I’m so sorry to interrupt this, but visiting hours are over and Dean has an early morning surgery prep scheduled.”

Dean hugged both of his parents and bid them farewell. He felt a little melancholy knowing that as soon as he fell asleep in this universe, he’d be waking up in his bed in the bunker. Waking up to a life without his parents. He knew this was all just some elaborate dream, but it sure felt nice to be a normal person with loving parents, even if it was only in his head.

//SPN//

Dean woke up as he expected to, in the bunker. At the rate he was bouncing back and forth between universes, he basically wasn’t getting any actual sleep. Weirdly enough, he didn’t feel all that tired. He made his way out to the kitchen to get some coffee. 

Sam was standing in front of the stove cooking something and when he heard his brother he called out, “About damn time you woke up!”

Dean gave his brother an annoyed look, “Dude, we were up late last night, I was bound to sleep in.”

“Yeah, but for twelve hours?”

Dean had just been reaching for a coffee mug and stopped at that. Twelve hours, there was no way he had been asleep that long. He was only in Bizarro world for six hours tops before crashing out again. There was a weird time difference happening, but it only appeared to be one way. 

At his brother’s lack of movement, Sam asked, “Are you okay, Dean?”

He shook his head, “No, I don’t think I am, Sammy. I woke up in that Bizarro universe again when I fell asleep last night and I was only there for maybe six hours.”

“You had another dream about the hospital ward?”

Dean nodded, “Yeah, and it picked up kind of where I left off there. It’s pretty damn real, too. Anna told me what happened to that version of me. I’ve been in a coma since I was 26 after a bad car accident, that’s why I can’t really stand up, my legs are weak from lack of use. Oh, and did I mention? Mom and Dad are alive in that world?”

Sam looked shocked. “Mom and Dad are there?” He abandoned whatever he was cooking on the stove and moved to sit in front of his laptop at the makeshift dining table. Sam was beautiful minding the hell out of whatever it was he was doing.

Dean walked towards his brother, “What are you up to, John Nash?”

Sam waved his hand dismissively, “Shut up, dick. I’m trying to figure out what the hell is happening to you.”

Dean shrugged it off and left his brother to be a crazy genius while he went back to getting himself some coffee.

//SPN//

They had spent the remainder of that day studying dreams and any kind of hoodoo that was possibly behind this sort of dream, alternate universe. Again, they had come up with nothing. When Sam finally went to bed, Dean lingered in the library, hesitant to try and sleep. Falling asleep might mean going back to the dream world, and even though it was awesome seeing his parents again, he hated the fact that he couldn’t figure out what or who was behind this. He knew he would have to eventually go to sleep, but he sure as hell was going to put it off as long as possible.

He lasted about an hour and a half before his eyelids grew heavy and he fell asleep in the chair he was sitting in.

//SPN//

Dean woke up in the hospital bed again. He was greeted by Benny and an uncharacteristic smile on the man’s face. “Mornin’, chief, ready to get that tube out of ya’?”

He sighed with relief, “Hell yes! If this thing is taken out does that mean I can have a cheeseburger for lunch?”

Benny let out a boisterous laugh, his eyes crinkled with pure amusement. He shook his head and answered, “Sorry, chief, you aren’t quite ready for that yet. You’ve been living on a pure liquid diet for a decade, your stomach will not be happy with you if you attempt that!”

Dean was extremely disappointed. He finally found a huge downside of this place… no cheeseburgers. Well, that eliminated the possibility of angels being behind this universe. 

At Dean’s pout, Benny leaned in close and whispered, “I promise, the second you can start handling breads and meat, I will bring you the biggest burger from the best joint in Topeka, deal?”

He grinned at the man. Benny was awesome in this universe too. 

//SPN//

They had kept Dean awake during the procedure, just using a local anesthetic to numb the surgical site while they pulled the tube out and stitched him back up. When they wheeled him back into his room, there was the head shrinker waiting patiently at his bed side. This was the second time he saw the man and he noted the tie he was wearing. He had a rather boring appearance, dark slacks and a solid beige button up dress shirt. The older man was probably in his late fifties, a round face that didn’t seem to go with his slim build, his hair streaked with a lot of grey and sporting a goatee. The only thing that offset his boring look was a brightly colored tie with, Dean focused his eyes and yup! Bugs bunny. 

Dean chuckled to himself and greeted the man with a, “What’s up, doc?” as the nurse and orderly lifted him back onto his bed.

Dr. Shepherd smiled at Dean, “Not much. How’d the procedure go?”

He shrugged, “I’m guessing well? I’m not a doctor, so…”

The grey haired man chuckled, “No, I guess not. How are you feeling is probably a better question to ask?”

Dean smirked, “Well, considering I’m still not allowed to eat anything other than baby food, I could be better.”

They shared a laugh and Dr. Shepherd smiled appreciatively. He pulled a notepad out of the briefcase looking thing at his side and a pen from his shirt pocket. He adjusted his sitting position to cross his right leg over his left and use it as a makeshift desk for the pad. He clicked the pen and looked back to Dean, “If you’re up to it, I’d like to discuss your dreams in more detail.”

Dean smirked, “Well, technically, _this_ is the dream.”

“Ah, my mistake,” the doctor amended, “in that case, would you mind going into more detail about the real world?”

Dean re-positioned himself to face the doctor more and replied, “Sure, what would you like to know?”

“Well, I’m curious about your timeline. It seems to be in keeping with ours, but obviously with drastic differences. How about we start at when you were twenty-six? I’m curious to know what, if any, significant incidents may have happened to you that may correlate with this timeline?”

Dean had to think for a couple of minutes. So much had happened to him and Sammy their whole lives, pin pointing incidents at a specific age was kind of like looking for straw in a stack full of needles. Hmmm, when he was twenty-six, Sammy was twenty-two. When Sammy was twenty-two he was in college, and then it clicked! “Yeah! Actually, when I was twenty-six our father went missing and that was the year Sammy and I started finding out about demons and everything that came with that shitstorm!”

Dr. Shepherd wrote down what he said and made a humming noise that sounded curious. “Would you say that was the catalyst for everything leading up to where you and your brother are presently in attempting to defeat, was it god’s sister?”

Dean nodded, “Yeah, and Lucifer, who’s currently possessing my best friend.”

“Yes. So, Dean, is there a possibility that there is a correlation between the significance of that catalytic moment and what happened to you here? With the motor vehicle accident?”

He thought about it for a moment. Obviously there could be, if this was all a dream there would need to be connections. He nodded, “I suppose.” The head shrinker was nice, but Dean had a sneaking suspicion that he was going to try and convince him that Bizarro universe was the real world. Someone was playing him, but he could not figure out who or why.

//SPN//

He and Dr. Shepherd talked about what happened that first year up until Dean had died. For the most part, the doctor just asked benign questions and took a lot of notes. He left after about an hour and half and promised Dean he’d be back by in a few more days to continue their discussion.

Shortly after that, Benny had brought him some lunch and let him know that his parents would be bringing him a laptop when they would stop by to visit tomorrow. 

Dean was just about to dig into a very sad looking orange gelatin when the door slammed open and he heard heavy breathing, as though someone had run from the other side of the world to come into his room. He looked up and made eye contact with Cas. He was in a button up white shirt underneath a blue sweater vest and was wearing jeans; that was kind of weird to see. Cas was staring at Dean like he was a ghost or something.

Dean smiled fondly at his friend. This universe really did have everything, his best friend included. “Oh, man, Cas. It’s so fucking good to see you.”

In that instance Cas rushed to his side, grasped his face in both hands, and pulled him into a fiery kiss. Dean was so shocked, he just sat there and let it happen. What the actual hell? Why was Cas kissing him? When he felt a tongue probe at his lips he gently pushed his friend back, “Whoa, there, cowboy! What do you think you’re doing?”

The look on Cas’ face was made of pure and utter dejection. He looked broken and stammered out, “I… I thought since you remembered me, you… You _remembered_ me…”

Dean had no idea how to handle this situation, but damn did he feel bad for the guy. “Dude, Cas, sit down and take a few deep breaths.”

Cas nodded and moved to sit in the chair. His eyes were shiny with unshed tears and he sat there, looking expectantly at Dean.

“Uh, I, well… I kind of don’t know anything about this world.”

His friend tilted his head, very reminiscent of when the angel had asked him if he thought he didn’t deserve to be saved. It was endearing and made him miss his Cas all the more. “Sam had texted me that you were awake and said you had amnesia, so when you said my name, I…” He choked back a sob, unable to finish his sentence. 

In that moment, Dean felt the urge to comfort this man. He leaned sideways to reach for his friend’s hand and gently grasped it. “It’s kind of a long story, but uh, I remember people, but not in the same way they are here. How I remember you, you’re my best friend.”

Cas smiled sadly and nodded.

“But, uh… Well, I can pretty much guess from your greeting, but what, _exactly_ , are we to each other here?” Dean asked as he let out a nervous chuckle.

Cas looked up into his eyes. He had seen that look on his Cas’ face before. Usually when Dean thanked him for making him laugh, or told him to never change. His friend squeezed his hand and said, “We… well, we were going to get engaged…”

Dean gasped, dating or lovers was one thing, but being engaged? What the hell was going on in this universe? He suddenly felt very dizzy and was finding it difficult to breathe. He let go of Cas’ hand and felt himself fall back against his pillows. Everything went black.

//SPN//

Dean woke up in the bunker, still on the chair, but he had a blanket draped over him. Sam must have done that. He looked at his watch, it had been about eight hours. He had slept in this awkward ass chair for eight straight hours? He needed coffee.

Dean rumpled the blanket up and put it on the desk as he stood up. There was a deep ache in his neck, probably from sleeping in a very awkward position in a freakin’ chair. In his search for something dark and caffeinated, he found his brother pouring himself a glass of water in the kitchen. Sam was wearing running shorts and a thin t-shirt, sweating from obviously having just come back from a run.

Sam took a long gulp of the water and then asked, “Did you sleep the whole night in that chair?”

Dean made a grunting noise in affirmation and then verbally responded, “I know it’s gotta be connected to these weird dreams, how much I’m sleeping. I can’t even remember the last time I slept this many hours on a regular basis. Shit, I’m lucky if I get four hours in a night usually.”

Sam hummed in agreement, “Yeah, I’m concerned about that. I know we need to be trying to find Amara…”

“And save Cas,” Dean added.

“And save Cas,” Sam amended. “But honestly? I think we need to figure out who and why someone is messing with your dreams. Have you been able to find out any more information about that universe?”

It suddenly hit Dean why he ended up awake in the real universe. Cas had kissed him and then proceeded to tell him how they were going to get engaged. Shit, did he pass out? Did that news startle him so much he freakin’ fainted like a southern belle at her debutant ball? The hell, brain? Dean groaned and covered his eyes with the palm of his right hand, embarrassed.

Sam smiled and gave his brother a curious look, “What did you find out?”

Dean shook his head, “Uh, uh. No way, there’s just some shit that needs to stay in my head, Sammy.”

His brother looked at him; that concerned but, ‘you know better than to hide shit,’ look they, more recently, had become accustomed to sharing with each other. Dean sighed, “Fine.” He poured himself a fresh cup of coffee and moved to lean against the counter as he continued, “I… Well, Cas is in this universe, too.”

“Is he…” Sam seemed to hesitate before continuing, “Is he Lucifer in that universe?”

Dean shook his head, “Nah, just good ol’ Cas, that’s the thing, so far, from what I can tell, there’s no supernatural things in this universe. I still need to do some investigating, but yeah, it seems that way.”

His brother nodded and asked, “So is that all you found out?”

“Uh… Not exactly.” Dean took a deep breath and ignored his brother’s poignant and curious stare. When Sam broke the eye contact to drink more of his water, Dean proceeded to bite the bullet and just say it, “I… Me and Cas, well… I guess before the accident happened, he and I were, uh… engaged.”

Sam did a literal spit take. Shit, he didn’t think that happened outside of the movies or TV shows. He smiled at the situation, it might be the only opportunity he was going to get to enjoy this moment before his baby brother started ragging on him. After the spit take, Sam gave his brother a somber look and asked, “Are you serious?”

Dean nodded. At that Sam then burst into a fit of giggles. There was no other way to describe it. There was no way the small fits of girlish sounding laughter could be described as anything other than giggling. When his brother was finally able to compose himself, he cried out, “Deastiel!” before collapsing into another fit of giggles.

Dean glared daggers at his brother, “Shut your mouth, you dick!”

That just made Sam laugh even harder. Dean flipped his brother off and left the room. He was not going to even attempt to have a conversation with Sam acting like such a jackass. 

//SPN//

When Sam had finally contained himself, they were sitting in the study, discussing in detail everything Dean had seen in the dream world and trying to figure out from what little information they had, if they could use any of it to track down whoever was behind this dream world.

That’s when a loud banging came on the front door of the bunker. Nobody came out to the middle of nowhere, and anyone who was allowed access to the bunker, didn’t freakin’ knock. Sam grabbed the demon knife and a pistol, Dean grabbed an angel blade and a revolver and they very carefully approached the door. Looking through the spyhole Dean saw a young man, maybe 16 or 17, in a plain black t-shirt and jeans. He was brunette with brown eyes, nothing seemingly special about him. 

Dean threw the door open and the pair of them held the boy at gun point as Dean said, “What do you want?”

The boy looked at the pair of them excitedly, completely uncaring that there were multiple weapons being held to his face. He asked, “Sam and Dean?”

Sam answered, “Who wants to know?”

The boy stared pointedly at their guns and suddenly they were both holding a colorful nerf gun. He smiled serenely at the gob-smacked expressions on their faces and said, “I don’t know if you remember me, but my name is Jesse Turner.”


	4. Pools of Sorrow, Waves of Joy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What do you mean?” Dean asked.
> 
> “Well, you know. A world without monsters? Mom and dad alive, both of us living happy lives, I mean, except for an eleven year coma and the fact that you’re apparently gay for Cas, it’s pretty much your dream life. No pun intended.”
> 
> Dean wasn’t sure, but Sam’s comment about Cas made him feel a little defensive. Which, well, that was kind of weird. While he had never really been into guys outside of maybe some sort of admiration, that didn’t make Sam’s comment okay to say. Cas was a pretty great guy and he’d be damn lucky to be loved by such an awesome person; er, well, angel. He knew his brother meant well, but he still felt the urge to defend dream Cas and himself for that matter, “Hey, man. I’m not some homophobic dick. Being gay for Cas wouldn’t be the end of the world, you know.”
> 
> Sam seemed taken aback by that comment, if not, a little impressed with his brother. He smiled, “That’s… That’s very progressive of you, Dean.”

Dean couldn’t believe it. Jesse Turner had disappeared about six years ago after the boy found out what he truly was. A demon-human hybrid who’s power magnifies when Lucifer walks the earth, also known as the freakin’ anti-christ. He honestly had never expected to see him again, although he probably should have expected it. With Lucifer out of the cage again, it was no surprise that the boy’s powers were back in full-swing. 

Jesse stared at the brothers expectantly, still having not been extended an invitation into the bunker. Sam finally responded with a menacing sounding, “Prove it.” Which was pretty damn ridiculous, considering he was holding the kid at nerf gunpoint. 

Jesse smirked and turned Sam into a toy. 

Dean laughed and bent down to pick up the action figure of his brother. “Damn, kid, still got that magic touch, huh?”

Jesse stared at Dean, a stern look on his face. He remained silent. 

The hunter shrugged, “Well, seeing as you could literally wipe me out with a whoopee cushion, I suppose we should let you come in.” He waved his arm in a motion for Jesse to follow him and the kid closed the door behind them.

//SPN// 

After Jesse turned Sam back, they had moved to the pseudo living room and all took a seat in one of the ancient rolling chairs that littered the entire bunker. 

Sam dived right into an interrogation, “How did you find us, Jesse?”

The boy nodded in apparent understanding of just how terrifying it was that they were so easily found. He raised his hands in a surrendering gesture and said, “Don’t worry, it wasn’t that easy, I found you because I’ve been having these weird visions.”

Dean felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. The anti-christ having visions? That had to be anything but good. “What kind of visions?” he asked.

“I’m, uh, I’m kind of seeing through Lucifer’s eyes. Not, not all the time, usually just when he’s feeling a particularly strong emotion, like anger, or happiness. In one of the visions, he’d just brought Dean back from the 40’s, to this bunker.”

“What the ACTUAL fuck?” Dean asked. Sam looked just as shocked as he felt. 

His brother’s shock slowly turned into a look of uneasiness, he was probably thinking the same thing Dean was. Jesse could be acting as a spy. It wasn’t an illogical jump. The kid was more powerful than pretty much anything they’d ever seen, except for maybe the darkness. And unlike angels or demons, the kid had no restrictions; all of their usual trapping techniques would not work on him, he could have free reign, and like the idiots they were, they invited him into their home! Well, technically, Sam didn’t have a choice in the matter, but still.

“Jesse, why, uh… why did you decide to come and tell us?” Sam asked, unable to hide the suspicion in his voice.

“Look, guys, I know you don’t really have any reason to trust me, but I remember what you tried to do for me. You guys tried to keep me innocent and wanted to try and help me keep my family safe. As far as I’m concerned, demons can go right back to hell where they belong. I’m not here just to tell you I’ve been having visions, but to tell you what those visions are…”

Dean felt himself relax. He was still wary, but at this point, if the kid wanted to get rid of them, he probably would have done it by now. 

Sam probed further, “What have you been seeing?”

Jesse crossed his legs and leaned back in the chair as he answered, “Well, it’s mostly just his plans to defeat the darkness. He’s not getting very far, by the way. Most of the time he’s using a demon called Crowley as a foot rest while he plays angry birds…”

Dean snorted. He didn’t want to laugh, but that image was pretty damn funny.

Jesse continued on, ignoring the shorter hunter, “Anyway, the other night, I had a vision of him finding a way to locate you both to a dirty storage facility.”

Sam quirked his brow, staring at the boy as though he was some sort of fascinating zoo animal and asked again, “How was he able to find where we were?”

“The vessel he’s using is another angel,” Jesse turned to look at Dean and added, “Actually the friend of yours who tried to kill me all those years ago. Anyway, this angel has a bond with one of you, a powerful one that is linked through a mark he left.”

Dean widened his eyes at that. He pulled his shirt sleeve up and bared the deep burn mark in the shape of a handprint on his left shoulder. “This?” he asked.

Jesse nodded, “That must be it. Anyway, I guess this angel left some of his own grace in that mark and Lucifer is able to locate you wherever you are. And while whatever anti-angel stuff you have here is strong enough to keep him from coming into this bunker, the second you step outside, he is able to pinpoint your location to within about one mile. At least, that’s what one of the demons told Lucifer.”

“Shit.” Both Dean and Sam said at the same time.

“That explains it, at least.” Dean added.

Sam nodded and turned back to the younger boy, “Hey, Jesse, have you had any visions about Lucifer, like, manipulating Dean’s dreams?”

Damn, he hadn’t even thought of that! Although, he had only just found out that he had some weird celestial connection to Cas and Lucifer was able to use it like a freakin’ Winchester homing beacon. It was all starting to make sense, maybe that’s why the dreams were so realistic, maybe Lucifer was trying to keep him out of commission. Although, that part of it didn’t really make much sense, because it had also sounded like he wanted to use Dean to get to Amara. What the hell was the endgame for Lucifer with all of this crap? Dean could feel a headache coming on.

Jesse shook his head, “No, not that I could tell. Is that something he could do?”

Sam shrugged, “I’m not sure, honestly. Can he locate Dean when we’re here at the bunker?”

The younger boy shrugged, “I’m honestly not sure about that either. I think he can, but it’s hard to tell. The visions are kind of like playing Call of Duty, you’re kind of seeing everything from his perspective…”

Sam nodded in understanding, but Dean looked at the two of them like they were speaking in Japanese. Eh, Sammy understood what the kid was talking about, that was good enough for him. “Not for nothing, kid, but you know it’d be kind of dumb for us to blindly believe you, right?”

In that moment, Dean pulled out the flask of holy water he kept in his pocket at all times and threw it on the kid’s face. No stinging, no sizzling, just a shocked teen shaking the water out of his hair. He looked at Dean curiously, “Holy water?”

He shrugged and pulled out a silver pocket knife, “Call me paranoid. Alright, sport, hold out your arm…” 

//SPN//

Sam and Dean had left Jesse alone in the library area, while they ducked into one of the many extra rooms to talk about everything they had just learned.

“So, do you believe him?” Dean asked.

Sam didn’t appear to know how to answer at first. He ruffled his hand through his hair in a nervous response as he looked pensive. Finally he said, “I think I do. He’s obviously Jesse, he’s passed all of our tests, and he knows about shit only us and Lucifer know. What I really want to know is why he’s telling us anything as opposed to helping out their side, or at the very least, abstaining…”

“You heard the kid, he seems pretty grateful that we were trying to help him, instead of, you know, kidnap his ass to run the evil league of evil.”

“But what’s in it for him?”

Dean shrugged, “I don’t know, Sammy.”

“You could always ask me,” Jesse interjected, he was standing in the doorway, for how long, Dean couldn’t be sure.

“Alright, kid. What’s in it for you?”

“Honestly, I want this shit to stop. I had a pretty awesome life going on, I was normal, and then bam! I’m a freak again, thanks to Lucifer. A freak with powers that no teen should have. These evil bastards need to be stopped, once and for all. You might not be the winning team, but damnit, I’d rather help you than those assholes.”

Dean couldn’t help but feel impressed. The kid had a pretty good head on his shoulders. He looked at Sam and the pair of them shared a brotherly internal dialogue deciding to enlist his help.

“I’ve also never forgotten what you said to me, Sam. About one of us making the right choice. Well, here I am, hopefully making that right choice.”

Sam appeared touched by that. It was pretty damn significant if this kid never forgot what a random hunter said to him all of those years ago. They both nodded at Jesse and Sam said, “Well, we have plenty of rooms here, let’s find you somewhere to bunk.”

Dean snorted and the other two men looked at him with curiosity. He smiled and said, “Bunk… In a bunker.” His grin widened despite the fact that Jesse and Sam rolled their eyes at him before leaving him alone in the room. Screw ‘em. That was funny.

//SPN//

That evening, Sam and Jesse went over every single vision, down to the tiniest detail, to try and figure out anything they could from the information they had. Dean did as much research as he could on dream projections and how to stop them. All he kept finding on the internet was a bunch of whackjobs recommending some stupid cord-cutting meditation. 

When he finally decided to call it a night, Sam and Jesse were still talking. He bid them goodnight and made his way back to his bedroom. He knew, this time, he was going to try and stay up in Bizarro world as long as possible to figure out as much information about the universe as he could.

//SPN//

Just like clockwork, Dean woke up in the hospital bed, apparently only having passed out a few minutes prior. Cas was still at his side, looking utterly crestfallen, his head in his hands. Dean couldn’t tell if the man was crying or not. He decided the first thing he was going to test was if Bizarro Cas was as pop culture illiterate as his Cas was. He asked, “Boy, why are you crying?”

Cas turned up to look at him. Relief washed over his face and he wiped the tear tracks on his cheeks as he replied, “I don’t know. A tear for every happy thought?”

Dean was impressed. Bizarro Cas not only got the reference, he was able to quote back at him. How impressed he was must have been evident on his face, because the man then said, “Don’t give me that look. I had 11 years to figure out what all of your stupid references were about…”

At that Dean laughed. Huh, so this Cas had once been as clueless as his own. Then his guilt kicked in when he realized just what that admission probably meant. “Have you been waiting for me for 11 years?”

Cas looked chagrined and lowered his gaze, breaking their eye contact. 

Dean leaned forward and reached out to tilt Cas’ chin upward, “You have, haven’t you?”

His friend pushed his hand away and sulkily replied, “So what? It’s my choice, it’s my life. And considering I put you here, it was the least I could do.”

“What do you mean, you put me here?”

Before Cas could answer, Benny came in again and said, “Heya, chief, your parents are here,” He looked at Cas and said, “Sorry, friend, it’ll be getting full in here, if you don’t mind coming back at a later time?”

“He can stay, Benny.” Dean offered.

Cas shook his head, “No, it’s okay, spend all of the time you can with them. I’ll… I’ll be back tomorrow, if that’s okay?”

Dean nodded and watched as his friend quietly left the room. What the hell did he mean when he said he put Dean here? Was his Cas trying to communicate with him? If not, then what the hell was going on with his subconscious? This world was freakin’ weird. 

//SPN//

After an awesome visit with his mom and dad, they left him with a laptop, forbidden snack foods that he had to hide underneath his pillow, and a promise that Sam would be by to visit him tomorrow since his flight got delayed; Dean felt remarkably happy. Then reality hit him, he was not in his world. This was a dream, or maybe some fucked up manipulation by Lucifer, either way, he shouldn’t be getting too freakin’ attached to Bizarro world.

He pulled out the laptop and opened it. After logging onto the wifi, he pulled up google and started his searches. First he decided to search all of the deaths they couldn’t save from various supernatural creatures, as well as some of the incidents in which were published. Search after search he couldn’t find anything. No drownings in a shower, no unexplained animal attacks where hearts were missing, no valentine’s couples eating each other to death. Nothing. None of the crazy apocalyptic events that happened after Lucifer first rose. None of what happened in the real world ever happened in Bizarro world. After more a few more fruitless searches, he decided to suck it up and search for the Ghost Facers.

Google attempted to correct him by saying, 'Did you mean Ghost busters?' Well, that was interesting. He figured those douchebags would exist in every universe. There was some crappy reality show called Ghost Hunters, but they seemed to mostly just piss themselves at the sound of the wind and there was no confirmed paranormal activity to be found on tape. Also no TV show Supernatural, no fanbase, and no Jensen Ackles. Huh, quite a lot of upsides to this place.

Is that why his parents looked at him like he’d grown three heads when he asked them about hunting? Is Bizarro world completely free of supernatural dicks? That made him feel a little bit better, knowing at least here his being out of commission for the last 11 years did not result in countless deaths of innocent people. But still, if there were no supernatural douchebags, why was Cas here? Was he human? And if he was, shouldn’t he be Jimmy? His head was starting to reel from all of the thoughts and questions he had popping up. He also couldn’t understand why the time lapses were so drastically different. A few hours in Bizarro world was several hours in the real world, whereas when he would go to sleep in the real world, the time lapse ranged from a couple of minutes to a couple of hours. 

Dean was tired and decided it was time to go back to his world. He fell against his pillow and waited for sleep to overtake him.

//SPN//

Dean woke up disoriented. He realized he was back in the bunker, but only because of how damn cold it was. He got up and when he ventured out, it was dark, not a single light was on in the place. He made his way back to his room to find his phone. It was three a.m. but when he looked at the date, it was the following day. 

Every time he went back to Bizarro world, he was gone from reality for even longer lapses. He immediately went to Sam’s room and burst through the door. Flipping on the light and slamming the door shook his brother awake. Sam sprung up and reached for a gun.

“Sammy, it’s me!”

His brother shook his head and squinted at Dean, withdrawing his hand from his nightstand drawer. “Dude, why did you come slamming in here at whatever ungodly hour it is?” he demanded.

“You let me sleep for over a day!”

“Dude, I didn’t _let_ you do anything. Every time I tried to wake you up, you grumbled and threw something at my head. I just let you be, you’re a nightmare to deal with when you’re tired!”

Dean rolled his eyes. For being the smarter of the two of them, his brother sure was being stupid about their current situation. “Dude, did it ever occur to you, seeing as I’m having crazy ass realistic dreams that it MIGHT be a bit suspicious that I’m sleeping for a freakin’ day and a half?”

Sam raised his arms in surrender, “Alright! I got it, I’ll dump a bucket of ice on your head next time, happy?”

Dean growled, “That’s not the point. Anyway, I found out more stuff about Bizarro universe.”

Sam visibly relaxed and perked up at the same time. He sat up in his bed and leaned forward, “What stuff?”

“Like the fact that there’s nothing supernatural in that world.”

His brother tilted his head, indicating his utter confusion, “How do you know that?”

Dean moved to sit on the end of the bed as he continued, “I got a hold of a laptop and checked the internet for as many of the weird cases we’ve been on that I could remember. There’s nothing. No crazy deaths, no apocalyptic shit. Nothing. I’m hoping to get mom or you alone in one of these dreams and ask them outright, but I’m pretty sure it’s a supernatural free universe. Although, if I’m being mindfucked by Lucifer, then who knows?”

Sam agreed with a hum. He looked contemplative for a few moments and proceeded to say, “That would definitely be a pretty good way to keep you away from here.”

“What do you mean?” Dean asked.

“Well, you know. A world without monsters? Mom and dad alive, both of us living happy lives, I mean, except for an eleven year coma and the fact that you’re apparently gay for Cas, it’s pretty much your dream life. No pun intended.”

Dean wasn’t sure, but Sam’s comment about Cas made him feel a little defensive. Which, well, that was kind of weird. While he had never really been into guys outside of maybe some sort of admiration, that didn’t make Sam’s comment okay to say. Cas was a pretty great guy and he’d be damn lucky to be loved by such an awesome person; er, well, angel. He knew his brother meant well, but he still felt the urge to defend dream Cas and himself for that matter, “Hey, man. I’m not some homophobic dick. Being gay for Cas wouldn’t be the end of the world, you know.”

Sam seemed taken aback by that comment, if not, a little impressed with his brother. He smiled, “That’s… That’s very progressive of you, Dean.”

Dean puffed his chest out with pride, “Hey! I’m a progressive guy!”

His brother rolled his eyes, “Said the guy with a box of cassette tapes…”

“Shut up, dick.”

They shared a laugh. It was nice when they had moments of levity. Too often they were busy with trying to save people, each other, or the freakin’ world that it was pretty rare if they ever had a moment of happiness and laughter. Dean thought for a moment. Damn, Sammy was right, a world without monsters _would_ be his dream life.

//SPN//

A few hours later, after Sam had gotten some rest, the three of them decided to tackle more research. Jesse attempted to use his powers to locate either Lucifer, or Amara. Sam researched every single book they had about dreams in the bunker, and Dean was given a journal to write down every single detail of what he could remember from the dream world.

Jesse grabbed a bottle of water from the kitchen and plopped himself down on the chair next to Dean. The hunter looked at the young boy and asked, “You okay there, kid?”

He nodded, “Yeah, I’m just a little exhausted. I’m not really able to pinpoint either of their locations and I’m not sure why.”

Sam appeared out of nowhere, his nose being stuck in a book not hindering him from interjecting, “I think we need the help of a witch.”

Dean quirked his brow. “Really? Your answer to attempting to defeat batshit crazy evil, is to enlist the help of _more_ batshit crazy evil? You DO remember what happened the last time we worked with a witch, right? Lucifer escaping his cage, AGAIN, ring any bells?”

Sam closed the book and pulled out one of the chairs at the end of the table Dean was sitting at as he continued, “Hear me out. Not all witches are bad, you remember James? Maybe we can talk to him?”

Dean was about to adamantly refuse to agree to such a ridiculous idea when Jesse interjected, “Actually, that’s a really good idea.” Dean glared at him and he chuckled at the older man as he continued, “From the small glimpses I’ve had of Lucifer’s plans, they seem to be using a lot of spellwork and stuff like that for, well, whatever it is he seems to be working on. Besides, if I can’t locate either him or the darkness in less than half an hour, I really doubt I’ll be able to at all. You could probably use a witch for that at the very least.”

Sam had a very smug look on his face. Dean rolled his eyes and changed the subject as he asked Jesse, “How do you know so much about this anyway?”

Jesse snorted in a very pissy-teenager sort of way before answering with a sarcastic, “There’s this thing called the internet…”

//SPN//

Dean had slept for over a day, so he should not be feeling the least bit tired, but all he wanted to do was crawl back into his bed. He looked at the clock in the kitchen, it was only eight o’clock at night. He poured himself a fresh cup of coffee and sat on one of the stools at the counter. 

Sam came in and asked his brother, “Are you alright?”

He shrugged noncommittally and said, “I’m fine. Just a little tired.”

Sam narrowed his eyes, “How can you even be tired?”

“I don’t know, Sammy. And that’s what I don’t get. If Lucifer is the one behind these dreams, making Bizarro universe I get, but he couldn’t affect me physically right? Making me more tired in this world, sleeping longer than I ever have?”

His brother looked incredibly concerned. He obviously didn’t know, which made it a terrifying situation. Not knowing, not understanding was far more frightening than a freakin’ apocalypse for both of them. Sam took a deep breath before finally saying, “I wish I knew. And this is just further proof that we’re out of our league here, Dean. I’ve decided I’m going to find James.”

Dean shook his head in disappointment. He wanted to argue his case, try to make his brother see what an exceptionally bad idea it was, but the determined look on Sam’s face put a stop to that. There was no arguing this one. He let out a soft sigh of resignation and asked, “We don’t even know where he and Portia disappeared to, not to mention the fact that we haven’t spoken to him in three years. If there was any kind of a trail, I’m sure it is long gone by now.”

Sam nodded, apparently he was expecting those arguments. “That’s why I’m taking Jesse with me, and before you argue, say ‘he’s just a kid,’ or anything else you’re planning to put out there, Jesse is stronger than anything. He’ll be fine, hell, it might be safer for me to have him by my side…”

Dean narrowed his eyes, “Are you not planning on me coming along for the ride?”

His brother took a deep breath before saying, “No. You’re sleeping more and more, not to mention if you step outside of the bunker, Lucifer will find you. We can’t take that risk, not with having the Shroud and Jesse staying with us. You know it’s the only thing we can do. I’m not asking your permission, Dean, I’m just asking you to understand.”

Dean felt conflicted. He was pissed, no doubt about that, but Sam was making a lot of sense. Still, it wasn’t about to stop him from feeling petulant. He asked, “And what the hell am I supposed to do here? Knit everyone a friggin’ snuggie?”

“Just, keep writing about everything you see in your dreams. Try to explore them more, if you can. Find out everything you can.”

Dean nodded. He was still annoyed, but he was kind of a huge liability for their side and he was not about to let pride possibly kill the few remaining people on the planet he gives a damn about. He put his coffee down and moved to leave when his brother called out,

“Where are you going?”

He turned back to Sam and smirked, “To Bizarro world.”

//SPN//

Dean woke up to the smell of eggs. He sat up and the tray beside the bed had a plate of scrambled eggs. There was a little steam coming off of them, so they were fresh. He looked around and saw Benny smirking from the doorway. The nurse winked at him and said, “They were technically a liquid at first. I convinced the doc to at least let you try these and see if we can’t get you on the road to recovery sooner.”

Dean smiled and asked, “You tryin’ to get rid of me?”

Benny let out a sharp bark of laughter before his face became quite serious. He approached Dean’s bedside and clapped a hand on the younger man’s shoulder. “Chief, you’re a talkin’ and soon to be walkin’, honest to god, miracle. You woke up after eleven years of nothing, you can bet your ass I’m tryin’ to get rid of ya’. You have a lot of catchin’ up to do, you don’t need to spend any more time in a place like this than you already have.” He said, his voice trembled a little.

Dean was taken aback. He hadn’t been expecting that level of raw emotion from the tough, southern vampire friend he had had all of those years ago. He tapped Benny’s hand in a friendly gesture and nodded to the man. He grabbed the plate of eggs and took a mouthful. The groan he let out was practically indecent. Those were the best damn scrambled eggs he had ever tasted.

Benny chuckled and moved to focus his attention on Dean’s IV. Without looking up he said, “I bet those are the best tasting thing you can remember?”

He nodded at the man, “How’d you know?”

“Because, if I was forced to live on Gerber’s for eleven years, I’m pretty sure the first of any real food I got to have would be fuckin’ heaven.”

//SPN//

After Dean’s first physical therapy appointment, he was wheeled to Dr. Shepherd’s office. After the nurse who had pushed him in the room left, Dean quirked his brow at the psychiatrist and asked, “I thought we weren’t meeting for a few more days?”

Dr. Shepherd nodded and leaned back in the chair behind his desk. “Yes, I’m sorry, I had an opening that worked out with your P.T. schedule, so I penciled you in for those times for the next month. I hope you don’t mind.”

Dean shrugged, it wasn’t like he was going anywhere, not while he wobbled on his legs like a baby deer. “Alright, doc. What do you want to talk about?”

He chuckled, “I think that’s my line.”

Dean placed his right hand over his heart in a dainty manner and put on a southern drawl as he said, “I do declare!”

The doctor moved from behind his desk to the nice looking chair next to Dean. He situated his note pad on his lap like the last time and pulled the pen out of his shirt pocket. “So, Dean, what would you like to talk about?”

He thought about it for a minute and that’s when Dean realized, maybe the doc knew more details about his accident! “Actually, I was wondering if you had access to the police report from my accident?” 

“As a matter of fact, there is a copy of it in your chart, but may I ask why you’re interested in seeing it?”

“Well, Cas said something weird yesterday, so I was trying to see if maybe reading the report would jog my memory?” Dean smirked at the doctor’s back when he got up to unlock a filing cabinet behind his desk. Damn, he was good! Maybe not DiCaprio level yet, but definitely better than Reeves.

Dr. Shepherd handed the chart to Dean and sat back in the chair. “That has all of your initial medical reports from the night of the accident, as well as the police report, and some photos. I think it would be beneficial for you to review it, but you can do that later, for now, why don’t we pick up where we left off last time?”

//SPN//

Dean had been able to tell the doctor everything that happened to him after he was brought back to life by a deal with a demon his dad had made up through to right before he was dragged to hell for doing the same exact thing for Sammy. He was going to see the doctor in another couple of days, because at that point his physical therapy was scheduled for every other day until he was strong enough to come daily.

The nurse allowed him to wheel himself back to his room. Dr. Shepherd’s office was about five corridors away from the unit he was in. Dean had made it through three of the corridors before he gave up from tiredness. The nurse praised him as though he were a five year old. He kind of wanted to punch the dude in the face. When they finally reached his room, someone was sitting in the chair beside his now vacant bed, obviously staring at the open space. 

Dean cleared his throat as he was being wheeled closer to the bed. The man in the chair turned and Dean was met with watery eyes. It was Sammy. Suddenly he was enveloped in the tightest hug he had ever received from his brother, dream or not. He felt wetness on the side of his neck, and gripped his brother back. The nurse ducked out quietly to let the brothers share their moment in peace. Dean continued to rub his brother’s back until he could feel the younger man’s breathing even out.

Sammy pulled back, his eyes red-rimmed and wet tracks still shimmering on his cheeks. Dean patted the side of Sam’s face and chuckled. “It’s like you haven’t seen me in eleven years or something.”

The younger man snorted through the wet sounding laugh, wiping away his tears. “It’s like you saw me yesterday.” Sam said, his voice cracking slightly.

Dean didn’t have the heart to tell him that he did see the man yesterday.


	5. Are Drifting Through My Opened Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the fourth unsuspecting victim got a cup of holy water in the face, he was wheeled into Dr. Shepherd’s office. The door was closed behind Dean and the doctor eyed him curiously as he moved to his oversized chair. “I heard you’ve been having one-sided water fights with the staff?”
> 
> Dean chuckled, “I’m a hunter, Doc. I’m pretty sure Lucifer is behind this dream, alternate universe, mindfuck, whatever it is. Which would mean, somebody here is working with him and more than likely, that person is a demon.”
> 
> “So, the water you’re using is…” Dr. Shepherd started to ask.
> 
> Dean finished the man's sentence. “Holy water, yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's an easter egg in this chapter. ;)

Dean had happily spent the next few hours talking with Sam. He had learned in this universe, Sam graduated from high school as the valedictorian, earned a full ride to Stanford, met and married Jess, and had been spending the last few years working as a partner for a law firm in Palo Alto. Dean smiled at his younger brother, the kid got everything he could have ever hoped for without losing people he cared about along the way. Suddenly, a wave of solemnness hit him. The last time he saw a world like this, he and Sam were far from being brothers; they had practically been strangers to each other.

Dean hesitated before finally asking, “This may sound kind of weird, but what kind of a relationship do you and I have, Sammy?”

His brother looked at him, obviously confused. “What do you mean?”

Dean decided to just ask outright, “Are we, uh… are we close?”

Sam’s eyes lit up with realization, “Is this related to the, uh… The dream world?”

“How do you know about that?”

His brother shrugged, “Mom told me that the doctors are saying you don’t remember anything from this life because you only remember everything you dreamed about since the accident. They didn’t go into detail, just that you have the wrong memories, essentially.”

Dean nodded, he had decided against going into too much detail about the real world in Bizarro world, at least when it came to his family. Considering it had freaked his parents out so much when he tried to bring it up the last time. He wanted to, at least, tell Sammy. To try and get better confirmation about the lack of supernatural shit in this world, but after hearing every awesome thing that happened for his brother in Bizarro world, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. “Yeah, basically. So, be honest, don’t worry about sparing my feelings, do you secretly hate me and only come to visit during special occasions and holidays?”

Sam looked taken aback and a little sad. He thought for a few moments before answering, “Dean. You’re my best friend. You were who I called to talk to when I was having melt downs about finals, you were protective of me, but you didn’t baby me. You were my best man at my wedding.”

Dean eyed his brother suspiciously, “Wasn’t I in a coma when you married Jess?”

Sam chuckled, “Yeah, but we got a full size cardboard cutout made of you. I know it sounds lame and a little creepy, but I couldn’t make that step without you by my side.”

Dean stared at his brother for a few minutes. What an insanely adorable, if not kind of weird way to keep him included. Dean shook his head of all of the random thoughts that started running through his head. Bizarro world was everything he could have ever wanted, which meant it was obviously too good to be true. There had to be something wrong with this universe. He asked, “Hey Sammy, do you know any of the details of the night of my accident? Mom and dad don’t ever want to talk about it…”

The jovial and happy expression on his brother’s face instantly grew dark with, what Dean could only assume, was anger. He could see the muscles in Sam’s jaw clench. That was an ominous reaction. Sam lowered his gaze and ground out, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I’m a big boy, Sammy, you can tell me what you know.”

Sam stood up and slammed his hand against the wall. Dean jumped, not expecting such a physical response from his, usually, level-headed brother. 

“I said, I don’t want to talk about it, Dean!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, there buddy. I just wanted to try and figure out what happened that night, that’s all.”

His brother looked chagrined and moved to sit back down in the chair, his head lowered like a puppy that just got caught taking a piss on a brand new carpet. “I’m sorry. It’s just, it’s tough to talk about and I’d rather not think about it right now. I promise I’ll tell you more, but for now, can we just enjoy being brothers again?”

Dean nodded. How could he refuse that request?

//SPN//

Sam left after they had sat there and talked for about five hours. After that, Dean was finally able to go through his chart and the police report. He looked at the pictures first, which were rather jarring. There were pictures from the scene of the accident, as well as some that had been taken when he was brought to the hospital. He looked dead, there’s no way somebody could survive an accident like that, barring making a deal with a demon. The police report had said he was holding a cellphone in his hands when they extricated his body from the wreckage, so it was assumed he was either talking or texting on it right before the crash happened. 

A knock came on the door and Cas peaked his head through. “Can I come in?”

Dean nodded and started shuffling all of the pictures and paperwork together to put back in the chart. He was pretty sure that no one would want to see the accident scene pictures. After he placed the chart on the tray beside him, he waved for Cas to come in as he said, “Definitely!”

Cas smiled and moved to sit in the chair. They exchanged pleasantries, asking the other how they were doing. Then there was an awkward silence for several minutes. Dean was finally fed up and asked, “Can I ask you something, Cas?”

He smiled and said, “Of course, anything.”

“What did you mean when you said you were the reason I’m here?”

Cas instantly went from serene to on edge. His body tensed and he looked like he was in pain. His breathing started to get faster and more erratic. He placed his head between his knees while he tried to catch his breath. Dean leaned over and started rubbing the parts of the man’s back that he could reach.

“I’m sorry,” Cas wheezed out.

Dean shook his head, “No, I’m sorry. You don’t have to talk about it if you don't want to.”

Cas sat up and sighed, “I know, and I knew you were going to ask me about it, I just, I guess I wasn’t as prepared as I thought I was.”

Dean chuckled, “Hey, if you ever feel up to it, I’m here. How about you tell me something different? I have no memories of us here, are you up to telling me about a good memory?”

Cas smiled and said, “Well, how about when we first met?”

//SPN//

_**April, 7, 2003: Lawrence, Kansas. Hoglund Ballpark.** _

_It was a Monday, and the Kansas Jayhawks were playing the Syracuse Orange at Hoglund Ballpark. Castiel was a student at the University of Kansas and his dorm-mate had convinced him to come to the game. He had never really been a fan of baseball, or really any professional sports. He found the competitiveness of professional sports to be quite exhausting. He had transferred to KU for the graduate program in Speech-Language pathology. Having been raised in Missourri, KU had one of the better programs that wasn’t on the other side of the country in either direction. He was from just outside of St. Louis, so it was somewhat of a culture shock when he arrived to Lawrence. It was a nice town, but he had felt like he had gone back in time, as though he had found himself sucked into a 1950’s sitcom. The people in the town were all rather sweet, but they also all seemed a little backwards, especially considering it was the 21st century._

_He felt like an oddity in the town, not quite fitting in, but his dorm-mate, a party guy named Gabriel, had been adamant about including Castiel in as many of the campus related events that he could. He had turned the man down several times, but finally decided, since it was Spring Break, he could take a break and try to learn more about the campus that was going to house him for the next couple of years._

_The day of the game, he found that he was rather enjoying the culture of school pride and excitement. Everyone in the stadium was energetic and happy, it was quite the marvel. Castiel felt himself chanting with the crowds at peak celebratory moments, as well as crying out in frustration when the other team scored. He didn’t understand the rules of the game, but he had learned enough to gauge how the crowd would react._

_About halfway through the game, Castiel decided he wanted to grab something to eat. Gabriel had told him to grab them both a hot dog at the concession stand and he agreed. The line was relatively long, but he didn’t mind, he did not really understand all that was going on other than the fact that the home team was losing. He was thoroughly reading the large menu pinned over the opening of the concession stand window when suddenly a young man carrying a couple of cups and a tray of food tripped over a child running around. Castiel dove forward and was able to grasp the man’s left shoulder, preventing him from falling face first onto the cement. The food flew, but at least the guy didn’t get injured._

_They made eye contact when the young man stood straight, Castiel still had his hand on the man’s shoulder and they stared at each other for a few moments. It finally dawned on Castiel that it wasn’t necessary for him to still be touching the other man. He withdrew his hand and asked a little sheepishly, “Are you okay?”_

_The man’s green eyes lit up and the skin around them crinkled with his smile as he answered, “Yeah, man, thanks to you. Would have sucked to lose the burgers AND break my nose. So, thank you.”_

_Castiel felt his cheeks heat up, he shrugged off the compliment and replied, “I did what anyone else would have done.”_

_The comment was met with a smirk. “Humble, too, huh? I don’t know if you were paying attention to your surroundings, but you were the only one who tried to help me.”_

_Castiel looked around and noticed that all of the other people in the line were utterly distracted by, well, pretty much anything else; from children running rampant to cell phone messages. He smiled at the man, “Well, I’m glad I could be of service.” He resisted the urge to bow at that._

_The bark of laughter the man let out was nice. His face changed, he was already rather attractive, but the way he laughed with his entire body, the way his face seemed to radiate with the curve of a beatific smile, it was entrancing. The man extended his hand towards Castiel and said, “Well, let me shake the hand of my guardian angel.”_

_Castiel chuckled at the nickname and took the proffered handshake. He looked at the sad state of the food on the ground and looked back up to the handsome stranger. “Would you like to cut in front of me to reorder your food?”_

_He practically beamed, “That’s cool of you, thanks.” He stepped into the line and they continued to talk until both of them started to leave the concession stand with their orders. As Castiel turned away, the man halted him with a nudge of the elbow. “Hey, uh, this might seem kind of weird, but I don’t know, you seem pretty cool. Would you want to hang out some time? Maybe grab a drink?”_

_Castiel was a little shocked, he’d never been approached by a stranger quite like that before. He nodded emphatically and said, “Yes, I would like that.”_

_The man smiled and walked towards the condiment counter. Castiel followed him and they both placed their food items on it. He pulled out his cellphone and handed it to Castiel, “Here, put your number in my phone.” Castiel did as he was asked and the man smiled as he looked down at the entry, “Guardian Angel?”_

_Castiel shrugged, “You didn’t tell me to program my name into your phone.”_

_The man laughed before furiously typing away on his phone. Castiel’s phone chirped with a text message notification. He pulled his flip phone out, opened it and read the message: “Hey Angel, this is the Demon.”_

**End Flashback**

//SPN//

Dean laughed. If only this Cas knew just how ironic their initial introduction to each other was. 

Cas stared at him, “What’s so funny?”

Dean waved his hand dismissively, “You’d think I was nuts if I tried to explain it. So, that was how we met? I didn’t even get your name?”

Cas smiled, “No, in fact, we didn’t exchange names until the first time we hung out after that baseball game.”

“So, was that our first date, then?”

At that, Cas laughed whole-heartedly. He started to shake his head as he answered, “Oh, no. While I had a pathetic crush on you, your heterosexuality was quite apparent.”

Dean balked, thoroughly confused at that moment. If he was straight, why were they going to get married? Was it for insurance reasons? That didn’t make sense either, why would Cas kiss him when they first saw each other? He was starting to feel another headache coming on. 

Cas noticed Dean’s bewildered expression and continued, “You always told me you were Cassexual when you finally came to terms with your attraction to me. I don’t think you’re gay, or even bisexual for that matter. You’re somewhere in between I think.”

That was very fascinating, causing Dean to contemplate it all for a few moments. So, he wasn’t necessarily gay in Bizarro universe, he was just into Cas. That made a lot of sense actually, he had never made that leap in the real universe, but he had to admit, when Cas betrayed him, it hurt a hell of a lot more than when anyone else did, with the exception of Sammy. Although, it still wasn’t quite the same. Maybe that’s why he was dreaming that his relationship with Cas was something more than simply a friendship. His headache started to worsen.

Cas looked at his watch and sighed. He raised his gaze again to look at Dean and said, “I’m sorry, but I have to get going. I have to be up early tomorrow to prepare for an eight a.m. class. Is it okay if I keep coming to visit?”

Dean leaned forward to gently clasp Cas’ hand in his own and said, “Hey, Cas. I’m sorry I don’t remember us, but you don’t have to keep asking that. Even if my memories of you are all platonic, you’re still a huge part of my life, okay?”

Cas nodded and squeezed Dean’s hand.

//SPN//

Dean had fallen asleep shortly after Cas had left and when he woke up, he was still in Bizarro world. It was the following day, but that was probably not a good thing. Maybe his brain was keeping him in Bizarro world because he had nothing to do in the bunker? Shit, he had no way to contact Sammy or, hell, anyone from the real universe.

Dean sat up and pressed his call button. A young female nurse came in about 10 minutes later and asked him what he needed. He had been playing it too safe in this world and needed to start thinking like a hunter again. He asked her for a pitcher of water and a rosary. An odd request he was aware, but she shrugged and told him she would be back.

He searched the internet for as much information as he could about being stuck in a dream, but was not finding anything remotely useful. It was fifteen minutes after he had asked for his items when the nurse came back into his room, a cheerful and proud smile on her face as she placed the pitcher of water on the tray at his bedside and handed him a rosary. Dean thanked her and as soon as she left, he dropped the rosary into the pitcher and blessed it.

//SPN//

After the fourth unsuspecting victim got a cup of holy water in the face, he was wheeled into Dr. Shepherd’s office. The door was closed behind Dean and the doctor eyed him curiously as he moved to his oversized chair. “I heard you’ve been having one-sided water fights with the staff?”

Dean chuckled, “I’m a hunter, Doc. I’m pretty sure Lucifer is behind this dream, alternate universe, mindfuck, whatever it is. Which would mean, somebody here is working with him and more than likely, that person is a demon.”

“So, the water you’re using is…” Dr. Shepherd started to ask.

Dean finished the man's sentence. “Holy water, yes.”

The doctor nodded his head and pulled the pen out of his shirt pocket. “So, did you find any demons?”

That was an interesting response. It sounded like he was sincere, while being incredibly condescending at the same time. It was like the doctor was asking a five year old how many dragons the kid had slayed that day. Dean instantly felt defensive, “Look, doc. I have no memory of this place, of this world, other than the people in it. I do remember my real life, I remember the first time my dad taught me to shoot a gun, or the first time I killed a creature; it was a werewolf. I remember the first time I had to stitch Sammy up after a pretty pissed off ghost tried to use him as a scratching post. I remember the day my mother was burned on a ceiling, and the day it happened to Sammy’s girl. I remember when I was literally dragged to the pit by hellhounds and when I ended up in purgatory, beheading leviathan left and right. I know it sounds crazy, hell, I actually did go crazy once, I know crazy. This is just another ploy to keep me out of the game.”

Dr. Shepherd observed Dean carefully for the next few minutes. He uncrossed his legs and placed the notepad on the table beside the chair before he leaned forward and said, “Dean, I would like to level with you, would you be okay if I get candid?”

Dean nodded. Finally, he was about to hopefully hear the truth, who was behind Bizarro universe, why, what the purpose of it was. 

The doctor continued, “The thing is, this IS the real world. You’ve been a patient here for going on ten years now. You waking up is an amazing feat, considering you were locked inside of your own head for so long. I’m not sure why your memories from your dream hold such significance that they seem to have replaced your real memories. And I’m sure you’re not going to believe me, but think about it like this: It is a proven fact that death is permanent, once you die, whatever you believe happens to you afterwards does not mean anything on this plane of existence because you are gone. You never die in your world and think of how illogical that is. The ghosts, demons, angels, and whatever other supernatural beings that exist there, even they are all capable of dying, but for some reason, you and your brother and Castiel are not. What is the significance of that?”

Dean stared at the man, stunned into silence. He thought that maybe this was the endgame, then. Lucifer was hoping to keep Dean locked into his own mind, leaving his body there to rot. It was pretty ingenious, he had to admit. Too bad it wasn’t going to work. Dean laughed, “You can try to logic at me all you want, but the fact of the matter is, I’d expect you to say something like that.”

Dr. Shepherd nodded his agreement and replied, “Please understand, I am here to help you, Dean. I’m not trying to belittle or undermine what it is you remember. I don’t know if your true memories will ever be restored, but I have a theory, so I’d like for you to test it out. If I’m not real, if all of this is a dream, then it won’t do any damage. You said the lapses in time vary when you’re in your world and I think it’s related to how needed you are in that moment. Right now, you feel inclined to stay here because you have this need to find out as much information as you can about this place, am I right?”

Dean nodded.

The doctor continued, “Then the thing is if you don’t feel as needed in your world, you spend more time in this world and I believe the inverse to also be true.”

“Interesting theory there, doc. But isn’t that exactly what you would say to me? Give me an explanation, try to plant little seeds of doubt…”

The older man nodded and interjected, “And that’s why what I am about to suggest could potentially compromise your recovery here. It isn’t entirely ethical, but I’m only making a suggestion. Try to focus on how and why you are needed in your world, I’m assuming that currently you aren’t feeling as needed there as you are here. I suspect if you focus on your world, the time lapses will decrease.”

Dean quirked his brow at the man and said, “You want me to stay away from Bizarro universe? Wouldn’t that kind of put me back in situation I was before I woke up here?”

“Maybe, maybe not. But if we aren’t real to you, whatever happens here, whatever the repercussions, emotional, physical, would not matter because we are not real, correct? So if that is the case, there’s no need to be tethered here. If the entire time you spend here you believe that all of the loved ones surrounding you are puppets in a mimicry of your reality, then it’s not very prudent to spend an inordinate amount of time here. I am not telling you to do anything to purposely sabotage your recovery here, I’m just suggesting this might be something you’d want to test out.”

Dean could call this dude’s bluff. And if it worked, if his focusing on how he was needed in his world got him back to reality, then he was going to do everything he could to close his brain off from this place. Sam’s need to know as many details as possible be damned. Dean folded his arms over his chest and leaned back against his wheelchair with a cocky grin and said, “Alright, I’ll give it a shot.”

//SPN// 

Dean was lying flat on his hospital bed, quietly humming a mantra of different ways he was needed in the real world. Well, now that he was thinking about it, he wasn’t _that _needed at the moment. He kept sleeping for way too long and if he stepped foot outside of the bunker, Lucifer could locate him. Shit, he wasn’t even conscious there, so it’s not like he could do research. He can’t kill Amara because of their stupid bond, so he will have to sit that fight out. Shit, he couldn’t even convince his best friend to eject the freakin’ devil. He rolled over onto his side, that train of thought was probably the exact opposite of getting him back to his reality.__

He closed his eyes and thought of all of the good things he had been able to do in his past. He and Sammy were able to stop the apocalypse. They were able to take down countless demons and angels who got off on a power trip, hell, they had been able to face off with some of the scariest things they had ever seen and still come out on the other side alive. Dean had been to the depths of hell, purgatory, and countless other dimensions from the whimsical to the downright terrifying. He and Sam never took the easy way out, they always did what they could to insure the least amount of collateral damage. At the end of the day saving people was their highest priority, especially when it was people either of them personally cared about.

Dean remembered when the Djinn put him in the dream world, not being raised as hunters had come at the cost of all of the lives of the people they had saved. It wasn’t too difficult of a decision to come back to reality. That’s what was making Bizarro earth such an interesting phenomenon. It felt far more real than any of the false worlds he had been zapped to, hell, even the pain he felt after they removed his stomach tube and the anesthesia wore off was as real as anything he felt in his world. But it wasn’t logical, if Bizarro world was real, how could he have no memory of it? At all? 

His thought trains kept getting derailed and Dean let out a sigh. He had to think of something else. He started thinking about Cas. The stupid bastard and his idiotic mistakes that were meant with good intentions, but always seemed to screw the guy over. He always meant well. When they finally saved Cas, Dean was going to make sure the angel knew just how important he was to him and Sam. The guilt started to overwhelm him, knowing that he was inadvertently responsible for Cas’ misguided attempt at trying to stop the darkness. 

Dean had never been all that good with sharing his feelings, but he knew he was getting better. He and Sam had finally stopped lying to each other in their ludicrous attempts at trying to protect the other. But having feelings and caring about other people was always used against them. He thought about his parents, he thought about Lisa and Ben, about Bobby, about Charlie, and Kevin, and Ellen and Jo, and Sam and Cas. They had all been used as leverage at some point, even to the extent of dying for or because of the cause. He tried to repress his feelings because, in the long run, when another person he gave a damn about died, perhaps it would hurt less. It never did, but what would happen if he did embrace his feelings? How much more painful would their deaths have been? 

Dean fell asleep with the thoughts of his long dead friends and family, with thoughts of Sam; wondering if he and Jesse were able to find James. He thought about Cas, he thought about how long it might take them to save him. As the blackness of sleep took over, his last conscious thought was ‘gotta save Cas’.

//SPN//

Dean was surprised to wake up in the bunker. The first thing he did was grab his phone. 27 missed calls from Sam; that was not good. He looked at the date and blinked a few times as he tried to do the math. He had been out for 38 hours straight. His index finger hovered over his brother’s name from his contact list before he finally hit “call”.

“Dean!” was the frantic and breathless reply from his younger brother.

“Heya, Sammy.”

“Don’t you ‘heya Sammy’ me! I’ve been calling you for the past two days! We’re actually on our way back to the bunker!”

Dean winced, instantly feeling guilty for worrying his brother, “I’m sorry, Sam. I was stuck in Bizarro world, trying to get as much info as I could.”

He heard his brother let out an annoyed sigh before saying, “You’re staying there longer and longer. But you can’t not sleep. We need to get to the bottom of this faster before you pull a full on Sleeping Beauty and sleep for a hundred years. Maybe we should come back anyway and see what we can do to stop these dreams…”

Dean shook his head, despite the fact that Sam couldn’t see him do it. He protested, “Sammy, we’ve reached the end of our research ropes. You and Jesse were right, finding James might be the best thing you can do right now. I’m safe here, between the spellwork and the sigils, nothing is coming in here while I’m sleeping.”

There was a pause before Sam asked, “Are you… Dean, do you want to stay there?”

He wanted to lie, to reassure Sammy that he knew what was real and what wasn’t. That he knew where he was needed and that he would not leave his brother alone here. He wanted to tell him that he wasn’t starting to have his doubts about how real their world was. He wanted to tell him that even if Bizarro world was not real, that it still didn’t have a lot of appeal despite being happy and monster free. He wanted to lie, but since they had this whole new honesty policy between them, he said, “You know, Sammy? A part of me does…”

//SPN//

After Sam talked his brother off of the proverbial ledge, they disconnected their call and Dean left his room to find something to eat. He spent the rest of the day writing everything he could remember about Bizarro world in the journal. Coffee became his best friend in his endeavor to do whatever he could to stay awake for as long as possible in the real world. Despite those attempts, after having only been awake for 17 hours, he felt sleepiness engulf him. Dean went to his bedroom and practically passed out the second his head hit the pillow.

//SPN//

Dean woke up in the hospital bed. A part of him was incredibly annoyed, but a small part of him was relieved. He found Sam sitting at his bedside, a huge grin on the man’s face at having made eye contact with his brother.

“Heya, Sammy.”

His brother stood up and gave him an awkward bent over hug and said, “Hey, Dean.”

“Where’s Mom and Dad?”

“They’re at work, but they’ll be here in a few hours.”

Dean nodded. Being given this opportunity to talk to Sammy alone, he decided it was now or never for more answers. “Sammy, I need you to tell me what happened the night of the accident. As much as you can.”

His brother’s body instantly stiffened in a defensive posture and he shook his head, “Not now, Dean. I promise I will, it’s just, I’d rather not think about it.”

“I get that, but the thing is, Dr. Shepherd thinks the more I learn about the accident, the higher chance there is that my own memories will come back.” Dean lied. DiCaprio, eat your heart out.

At that, Sam relaxed, his body resigning to having to talk about something unpleasant. He let out a sigh before starting his story, “I was there that night. It was Christmas break and I was visiting for the week. We were waiting for you before we started dinner and when you came in you were kind of frazzled. After we sat down at the dinner table, you were fidgeting and nervous. Finally, Mom caved and asked what was wrong. You stilled, like a deer in headlights, before you finally told them about you and Cas. How you were in love with the guy and wanted to marry him. I got up to hug you and Dad slammed his hand on the table commanding me to sit back down. He looked you in the eye and told you to get out of his house and never come back. That no son of his would be a ‘faggot’.” 

Dean was taken aback. He knew his dad had his moments of small mindedness, but that was shocking. It was weird, he felt angry, but it also felt like he was angry on another person’s behalf, despite it apparently having happened to him. It was pretty fucked up to kick your kid out of your life just because of who they love. The anger changed to sadness, his dad was always a dick, but he had summed that up to him losing Mary the way they did. He never thought that his dad was always an asshole. He asked, “What did Mom do?”

Sam’s frown deepened, “She didn’t. I could tell she wanted to argue, but Dad sounded so damn angry, Dean. I started to argue with him and he told me to 'shut the fuck up if I knew what was good for me.' You bolted from the table and hopped into your car before I could stop you. When I came back in I told Dad he was a homophobic dick and went upstairs to grab my stuff. I was walking out the door when I heard Mom drop to her knees as she let out this awful and pained sounding, shit, the best word I have to describe it was a wail. The police had called and told her about your accident and where they were transferring you.”

Dean eyed his brother suspiciously, “That seems pretty fast, how long did it take you to get your stuff?”

“Not long, maybe fifteen minutes? I guess the accident was reported within minutes of it happening. That’s likely what saved your life.”

He nodded, contemplating what he had just heard. So, in this world, the people he had idolized his entire life were actually homophobic assholes. Dean was kind of grateful this world was a dream, otherwise he was pretty sure he would be able to feel his heart literally break. Well, at least there was finally a downside to Bizarro world, apart from the whole coma thing. Dean looked down at his hands resting in his lap and asked, “So, if they hated me for not being straight, why are they visiting me? If it’s out of some kind of guilt trip or bullshit pity, I’d rather they just not come.”

Sam sighed and leaned back in his chair before he answered. “It was at first. Mom blamed Dad for your accident. If he hadn’t kicked you out when he did, if he didn’t make you leave in such an emotional state, maybe you wouldn't have been distracted. I blamed both of them. Dad blamed himself. And we all kind of blamed ourselves for not handling the situation differently. It was bad for a while, but the accident made them both realize that you are their son and NOTHING was worth losing you over, especially not something as insignificant as who you were in love with. After you were physically stable, Dad started seeing a therapist who connected both of them with a local PFLAG chapter and they actually helped organize last year’s pride parade. They’ve come a long way, Dean. I know your last interaction with them was awful, but they really have tried to make amends and work for change. You know that gay marriage is legalized across the entire country now? We’ve all come a long way.”

Dean wanted to say he was well aware of that fact, but decided to keep it to himself. He gave his brother a sincere smile and said, “Well, we couldn’t live in the dark ages forever, you know?”

//SPN//

Shortly after Sam had left, Dean was wheeled to his physical therapy session. He was improving so much, the doctor said they would start daily strengthening exercises and therapy. He still was having difficulty standing, let alone walking, but the therapist had told him he was fortunate that the staff at this hospital was so vigilant about working with all of their patients while being bedridden, ensuring they get some form of exercise so their muscles don’t atrophy. 

After that, he wheeled himself with a nurse walking behind him to Dr. Shepherd’s office. Dean was pretty damn proud of himself for not tiring out as easily as he had the other day. When the door closed and Dr. Shepherd took his usual seat, he decided to shake things up a bit and started talking first. “Hey, Doc. I thought you’d like to know that your recommendation seemed to work, although, I guess it could be a coincidence…”

The older man smiled at Dean and said, “That’s interesting. Why do you think you’ve come back to this world?”

Dean had to think about that for a moment. He wasn’t entirely sure. When he fell asleep at the bunker, he hadn’t really been thinking about anything, but he had spent the entire day writing about everything that had happened in Bizarro world. “I’m wondering if it’s because all I did in the real world was write about everything that happened here, so maybe I was unconsciously thinking about this place?”

He hummed a noncommittal sound and proceeded to write something on his notepad. The doctor turned his attention back to Dean and said, “That’s very much a possibility. So, how are you feeling? Any revelations or memory connections to our world yet?”

Dean shook his head, “Nah, nothing like that, although I did kind of find out more about the night of my accident.”

Dr. Shepherd appeared to perk up at that admission. He asked, “Is that something you would like to discuss?”

He shrugged, “I guess, it’s not a big deal. Apparently I came out to my parents the night of the accident, they were dicks about it, I left upset, and they’ve basically spent the last eleven years trying to make amends for it.”

“Interesting. Would you mind elaborating what you mean by them ‘being dicks’ about it?”

Dean laughed, “Yeah, well, I guess Dad called me a faggot and told me to leave and never come back, and Mom just kind of let it happen, so…”

Dr. Shepherd nodded in understanding and asked, “You seem very unaffected by this news, I’m just curious about your feelings finding out about this?”

“Well, it’s not the greatest thing to learn your parents are homophobic assholes, but they seem to have changed for the better and, well, none of this is real anyway.”

“I see.” He turned to write on his notepad again before continuing, “So, Dean. In your reality, your mother died when you were young at the hands of a demon and your father raised you to fight and hunt evil when he wasn’t drinking himself into oblivion, correct?”

Dean nodded, “Yeah, why?”

“Well, I was just thinking that if your last experience with your parents was a discriminatory and angry father and a mother who refrained from standing up to him for you, essentially abandoning you emotionally. I was wondering if there might be a correlation there... I will not try to tell you that what you believe is false, because I do think your beliefs and convictions _are_ real. But I have a feeling that the reason why you are so immersed in such a dark and depressing world is because your last experience before your accident was so painfully negative. You felt abandoned by a mother and dismissed by a father. Do you think that could be why in your reality, Mary has passed away and John was a stern and unforgiving man who was molding you into the perfect soldier? You don’t really have cause or reason to be angry with your mother, so it was easier for her to be out of the picture? And while your father was there, he wasn’t really there according to what you have told me and still you continued to worry about disappointing the man. Is it possible, you think, that the trauma of the accident combined with the trauma of being rejected by your parents created this demented and horrific parody of the world in your mind in which you have to combat literal evils? And the longer you spend there, the more real it becomes?”

Dean’s jaw fell open. He was stunned into silence that slowly morphed into anger. His hands started to shake from the sheer rage he felt start to engulf him. There was a tense edge to his voice when he asked, “Are you trying to say that I created an entire universe in my head because my parents hurt my goddamn feelings?”

Dr. Shepherd put his hands up in a surrendering gesture and said, “Dean, I apologize, I was not trying to say anything with certainty, I just wanted you to think about a few things. I can tell you are angry, if you would like, we can cut this session short, but if you are willing, there’s only one more thing I would like to add.”

He took a deep breath to try to calm himself down before saying, “Look, Doc. I get it, but the thing is, I remember and know a lot about what has been going on. Sammy told me today about gay marriage getting the green light around the country like I didn’t know, but I do. That got passed last year, I know other things too that a dude who was in a coma for eleven years probably wouldn’t know. So, I get what you’re trying to say, but how do you figure I know anything that’s happened in the last decade?”

“Actually, that’s quite common. In the state you were in, your eyes would open, and that’s likely why you recognized Dr. Milton and Benny, but not some of the other staff; it was dependent on who may or may not have been in the room when you had pseudo moments of consciousness while remaining unconscious. Not to mention, it is frequently thought by medical professionals that coma patients with brain activity are capable of hearing everything that goes on around them. It is very possible that you retained a lot of this information from the television, from staff talking to each other, and similar situations.”

Dean did not want to believe it. He shook his head. He was feeling angry and upset, but a part of the reason behind that was because the doctor was making good points. The longer he stayed in Bizarro world, the more he felt his doubt begin to crumble. Shit, maybe he really was nuts? Then he thought about Lucifer and how that was probably what the dickhead wanted him to think. If he continued to doubt reality, the longer he would stay asleep and leave Sammy alone. Shit, maybe he was doing this so with Dean out of the picture, he could finally convince Sam to say yes to being his goddamn vessel. Over Dean’s dead body. He smiled at the man in front of him and said in a bored tone, “Whatever you say, Doc.”

//SPN//

Dean was back in his hospital bed, scrolling through different news feeds to figure out how much was in line with the real world. He didn’t want to admit it, but what the doctor had said to him had shaken him. He was having a Girl, Interrupted situation and it was actually starting to get to him. Not only was this place appealing, it was pretty damn convincing of being real. He knew better, but he was worried that the longer he stayed, the more difficult it would be for him to leave, real or not.

Dean was so deep in thought, he did not notice Cas come into the room and sit in the chair. He looked up when he heard the man offer a soft, “Hello, Dean.” 

He instantly felt calm hearing those words, although it also hurt a little. It made him miss _his_ Cas all the more. Dean sighed and said, “Tell me a story.”

Cas laughed, “Okay, bossy.”

He smiled apologetically, “Sorry, it’s been kind of a rough day, I’d like to hear a nice story.”

Cas quirked his brow, but didn’t question him he just asked, “Real or make believe?”

“I’ve had enough fantasy for a while, tell me something real?”

“Okay.” Cas thought for a few moments, trying to decide what story to tell Dean when it occurred to him, “Want to hear about the day I fell in love with you?”

Dean nodded. He wasn’t exactly sure why, but the thought of hearing about their love story in another world was very appealing.

//SPN//

_**June 2003, Lawrence, Kansas.** _

_Castiel had only known Dean for two months, but their friendship developed quickly. Dean was always able to convince Castiel to break out of his shell and come with him on whatever insane adventures he had lined up. He had developed a crush on the taller man pretty much on the day he met him, but it was painfully clear that Dean was straight. It wasn’t a big deal, Castiel was an adult, and he liked his company enough that friendship was better than nothing at all._

_It was a random Friday afternoon when he got a phone call from Dean that would start to change everything._

_“Cas!”_

_He pulled the phone away from his ear at first from how loud the other man had screamed his name, he carefully brought the phone back and said, “Can I help you, Mr. Screams?”_

_“Dude, sorry, I’m just fucking psyched! The band that was playing at Auntie Mae’s canceled and they asked us to fill in!”_

_“Isn’t that a two hour drive from here?”_

_“More like an hour and a half, totally worth it though! It’s a paying gig, Cas! We have to go! Tell me you’ll come watch, please please please? You can be a roadie for The Impalas!” Dean pleaded._

_Castiel laughed. His friend was ridiculous, but also incredibly endearing. He feigned a sigh as though he was annoyed, but in fact, he was rather excited himself. He had never seen Dean perform. “Fine, I’ll come. Should I ride up with you guys, or should I grab Gabriel and we can ride up separately?”_

_“Yeah, that might be a better idea, I’m not sure how much room is in Jim’s van.”_

_They said their goodbyes and Castiel grabbed Gabriel by the wrist to haul him up from his dorm bed. The shorter man cried out, “Hey!”_

_He rolled his eyes and said, “We’re going to a bar to watch The Impalas perform.”_

_Gabriel shrugged and said, “Cool, sounds fun.”_

_//SPN//_

_**Later That Night - Manhattan, Kansas**  
Auntie Mae’s looked like a dive bar, while still being very nice. Everything was up to code, it was clean, but it had a very small town vibe. It was actually a pretty nice venue. Castiel marveled at the amount of people that were clambering around the stage area, waiting for the band to come out and play. Dean had texted him from backstage telling him how nervous he was. Their band had only played a few open mic nights back home and this was their first real gig. Castiel shot off a text telling him how great he would be and he had meant it. He had never heard Dean sing or seen his band, but even only having known the man for two months, he was certain he was capable of doing anything he put his mind to._

_The band started coming out on stage, they were checking their equipment and finishing setting up. Dean scanned the crowd and when he spotted Castiel, he gave him an enthusiastic wave. He smiled and waved back. The din of the crowd chatting started to soften as one of the guitarists started playing a few chords._

_Dean stepped up to the mic and called out, “How’s everyone doing tonight?”_

_The crowd responded in a lot of whoops and hollers. Castiel yelled, “Fine, thanks!” There were a few chuckles from random patrons around him, even though he hadn’t meant to be funny._

_Dean continued, “Well, we have some original stuff, but I decided screw it and we’re going to stick to covers tonight, I hope you’re all okay with that!”_

_[The music started and Dean pulled the mic from its stand.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BL5zHwJyxsk) _

_Castiel had actually heard this song, which was a surprise, considering his music tastes were very limited. The crowd starting whooping more in excitement._

__“Sister Christian  
Oh, the time has come  
And you know that you’re the only one  
To say, okay…” __

_Castiel’s breath hitched. Dean’s voice was beautiful. Despite his deep voice, when he sang, it had a softness that he had never thought possible. Castiel watched, absolutely mesmerized by the passion exhibited by his friend as he sang. He was certain he could listen to Dean sing forever. That’s when it hit him, he had never meant to let his crush get out of hand, but when the man on stage smiled at him while finishing the last verse of the song, all Castiel could think was, 'Shit. I’m in love with him.'_

**End Flashback**

//SPN//

Cas smiled fondly at the memory.

Dean returned the smile and then asked, “Wait, I can sing here?”

They both laughed.


	6. Possessing and Caressing Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They had been driving for about fifteen minutes in comfortable silence when Dean leaned forward to turn on the stereo. The speakers of the car started playing, ‘Get Back’ by the Beatles. Dean quirked his brow in amused curiosity at Cas and his friend waved him off.
> 
> “Shut up, I don’t have to justify the Beatles to _you_. They’re doing just fine on their own.”
> 
> He laughed and shrugged, “No argument here, but honestly, I kind of pegged you as more of an Elvis fan.”
> 
> Cas chuckled, “It’s funny, a lot of people tell me that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have finished the story! I'll be editing and uploading the remaining chapters hopefully throughout the rest of this week. I am hoping I can do it by the end of this weekend, but I don't want to make any promises I can't keep. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to give kudos, bookmark, or comment on this so far! I hope you like this next part!

Over the course of the next week and a half, Dean kept waking up in both worlds. He only tended to wake up in the real world when he focused on how he was needed there. Strangely enough, he didn’t need to do that to get back to Bizarro world. He tried to not think about what that might mean.

He had built up enough strength to be able to walk very short distances. That was a definite win. When Sam would visit, they would walk around the ward and talk about everything Sammy had been up to in this world. The more he learned, the more he liked Bizarro world. He knew that was probably what Lucifer was gunning for, but it felt kind of nice to pretend he had a normal life, even if only for a brief amount of time.

Cas had been coming to visit on a daily basis, usually at different times. He would sneak in all of Dean’s favorite foods against doctor’s orders and he had never been more grateful for another human being in his entire life. One day, Cas had come in and asked if Dean had the strength to go for a walk outside. He asked Benny and the nurse agreed, but only if Cas took him to the exit in a wheelchair. After they helped Dean change into normal clothes, he plopped himself in the wheelchair and they were off.

The second they got outside, Dean enjoyed the feel of the warmth from the sun. Cas offered his arm to help keep him steady and they started a slow, leisurely walk. They got closer to the parking lot and that’s when Dean saw Baby. She was probably the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, parked in all of her glory in utterly pristine condition. He turned to Cas, a bemused expression on his face and asked, “I thought I totaled her.”

Cas’ cheeks colored red in apparent embarrassment before he answered, “You did. I knew how much she meant to you, so I got her out of the scrap yard and a friend of mine rebuilt and restored her.”

Dean marveled at the man in front of him. He had experienced love in his life, from his family, friends, and a few ex-girlfriends; but he was pretty sure he’d never been loved to such an extent. Despite the fact that Bizarro world wasn’t technically real, he couldn’t help but feel touched by the idea that someone could love anyone so much. The man in front of him had never left his side in eleven years of unconsciousness and made sure the one constant in his life was not sent out and scrapped for parts. He had no idea how to respond, because a thank you was nowhere near enough. Instead, Dean walked up to her and looked her over. He bent over the hood and hugged Baby, not giving two shits about what people might think of a grown man hugging a freakin’ car. 

Cas smiled and asked, “Want to go for a ride?”

Dean’s eyes lit up and he replied, “Is the pope catholic?”

//SPN//

After Dean got settled in the passenger seat, Cas slid into the driver’s seat and started the car. She purred like a kitten and Dean leaned back to soak it in. Having been stuck in either Bizarro world or in the real world under house arrest for the past couple of weeks, he had been itching to get outside. To take Baby for a spin and just enjoy the cathartic feeling of hitting the road and escaping, if only for a short amount of time. 

They had been driving for about fifteen minutes in comfortable silence when Dean leaned forward to turn on the stereo. The speakers of the car started playing, ‘Get Back’ by the Beatles. Dean quirked his brow in amused curiosity at Cas and his friend waved him off.

“Shut up, I don’t have to justify the Beatles to _you_. They’re doing just fine on their own.”

He laughed and shrugged, “No argument here, but honestly, I kind of pegged you as more of an Elvis fan.”

Cas chuckled, “It’s funny, a lot of people tell me that.”

//SPN//

They pulled up to a park and Cas helped Dean out of the car as they made their way to a grassy knoll with an impossibly huge tree providing shadow to a large area. Seemingly out of nowhere, his friend whipped out a blanket and lay it down on the ground. 

Dean and Cas sat with their backs against the trunk, so close their legs were touching. He turned to the shorter man and smiled, “Thanks, Cas. Being trapped in that place was starting to get to me.”

“I had a feeling. You never did like staying still.”

Dean smiled. It was weird, he was still himself in this world, while at the same time not being him. Maybe this was what would have happened to him and Sam if monsters didn’t exist. As he sat there with his best friend, no worries of the world ending, not having to try to defeat Lucifer, and the prospect of having a real life, he couldn’t help but start to feel hopeful. Hopeful that maybe this wasn’t a dream. That train of thought would likely ruin this awesome day, so he turned to Cas and asked, “Will you tell me about when I realized I was into you?”

Cas appeared surprised. He was well aware that Dean had no memories of him in any romantic sense and probably assumed that they wouldn’t ever talk about it. He asked, “Are you certain?”

Dean nodded.

//SPN//

_**December 2003, Lawrence, Kansas** _

_It had been six months since Castiel fell in love with Dean that night at Auntie Mae’s. He had been quite successful in keeping his feelings in check around his friend, even when Dean would abandon him at a bar to talk to a gaggle of giggling girls. It wasn’t easy by any means, but it was rare for him to let his emotions get the better of him. It wasn’t until October of that year that Castiel started to distance himself from Dean._

_They had been at a bar a week before Halloween, and while he was used to his friend leaving him alone to go hit on women, Dean had never been so callous as to actually leave him. He might not have been as upset as he had been if his friend hadn’t also been his ride home. Castiel ended up having to call a cab back to his dorm, seeing as the bar they were at was about sixteen miles away._

_He started distancing himself from Dean slowly. Occasionally canceling plans or saying no when Dean would ask to meet up. About a month after that incident, Gabriel had convinced him to go to a singles meet up that he had organized at the student rec center on campus. That was the night he met a man named Nick. He was a nice enough guy, but a little controlling and demanding. Despite those displeasing qualities, Castiel agreed to go out with him. He knew he needed to start doing what he could for himself to try and stop feeling the way he did about Dean._

_One night, a few days after Thanksgiving, Dean had invited Castiel and Gabriel to meet him and the band at The Sandbar for a few drinks. He thought it would be nice to bring Nick along, seeing as he hadn’t had the chance to meet his other friends. They weren’t serious, but they had gone out a few times, and Castiel had already met three of Nick’s close friends._

_That was the first time he could remember getting extremely irritated with Dean’s behavior. He was loud and abrasive, asking Nick extremely inappropriate questions and generally being rude. Castiel would give his date apologetic glances and Nick seemed to take everything in stride._

_Well, until Dean asked over the din of the music, “So, Nick, which of the two of you takes it up the ass?”_

_Everyone in their general vicinity was immediately stunned into silence. Nick seethed with anger and he grabbed Dean by the collar of his shirt, practically lifting him off of his feet as he shoved the shorter man against a nearby wall. He hissed, “You should learn to watch your fucking mouth.”_

_Castiel had to pull Nick off of Dean. He gave his date an imploring look and the two of them immediately departed from the bar. While Castiel was not one to hide his sexuality, sex itself was not something he was comfortable openly discussing. Not to mention, Dean was well aware of the fact that he did not feel safe putting his sexuality on display in a conservative small town bar. Matthew Shepard had been murdered for that exact reason only five years prior. He couldn’t even begin to process how hurt he felt, especially by someone he had thought was his friend, being placed in such a terrifying position._

_//SPN//_

_Three weeks into December and Castiel had avoided all of Dean’s phone calls and attempts to hang out. One Thursday afternoon after a study session in the library, he arrived to his dorm room to find Dean sitting on his bed._

_Castiel glared at his roommate._

_Gabriel looked barely apologetic and shrugged, “Hey, you need to talk things out. I’m going to stay the night at Kali’s, alright?”_

_Castiel narrowed his eyes at the retreating form of his roommate before turning to Dean. He stayed standing and folded his arms against his chest as he asked, “What do you want?” He hadn’t meant to sound as petulant as he did, but apparently his feelings were still hurt, even after almost a month._

_Dean looked incredibly upset, his eyes held a sadness he had never seen in them before. “Look, Cas. I’ve been trying to apologize to you for like, a month. I know what I did to you and your boyfriend was a dick move, I wasn’t trying to humiliate you and I sure as hell know your hang-up with small minded bigots, I just… I want to blame the booze, but honestly? I think your boyfriend is a jackass and I don’t like him and I just wanted to see how he’d react.”_

_Castiel clenched his fists, trying to contain his anger. “How dare you! You wanted to SEE how someone REACTED to being asked if they took it up the ass? In public? Around perfect strangers?” He took a deep breath, attempting to calm himself down before he continued, “You hurt my feelings, you put me in a very awkward and upsetting position; all because you have the maturity level of a twelve year old and dislike someone I’m dating? The amount of times you have dated absolutely insipid and despicable harlots, and I always treated them amicably! Obviously, you are not as invested in our friendship as I am and I cannot do this any longer. I think you should leave, Dean.”_

_Dean stood and approached Castiel. He attempted to grasp the shorter man’s hand and Castiel recoiled as he stepped away. Dean let out a sigh and said, “Cas, please. I’m really sorry. You’re one of my… No, screw that, you _are_ my best friend. I know I was a dick. I wasn’t thinking and, damnit, Cas! I am invested in our friendship, okay? Probably too much!”_

_Castiel was still angry, hurt, and did not have the patience for his friend’s cryptic comments. He sighed before saying, “Dean, I’m tired. Don’t allude to or infer anything, either say what you mean, or leave.”_

_“I can’t!”_

_“Of course you can, but you don’t want to. Like the petulant child you are, you want me to press and prod in the hopes that you can keep me intrigued and interested so that I won’t simply shut you out. I’m tired of this. Say what you want to say, or get out of my room!” Castiel had never been the type to yell, but just because he was in love with the man in front of him, did not mean he was going to continue to allow himself to be treated poorly._

_Dean looked genuinely surprised at his friend's outburst. “I can’t.” He said simply, a hint of regret in his tone. They stared at each other for a few moments before Dean ducked his head and moved towards the door. He stopped before reaching for the handle and turned back to Castiel. “I’m sorry, Cas.”_

_“Go on, run away like the coward you are. God forbid you be upfront about your feelings and your cryptic comments. I have been nothing but honest with you since we met, the least you could do is offer me the same courtesy.” Castiel folded his arms against his chest again, defensive and annoyed._

_Dean scoffed, “I was trying to protect our friendship! I don’t want what we have to be ruined!”_

_“So, being an asshole to me, to someone I was seeing, that’s your way of protecting our friendship? You have a seriously screwed up sense of priorities, Dean Winchester.”_

_There was a pregnant pause as they held each other’s stare. Castiel was still incredibly angry with his friend, but more than anything, he felt tired._

_Dean gave him a sad smile and asked, “ _Was_ seeing?”_

_Castiel had never hit another human being in his entire life, but in that moment his anger got the better of him. He approached Dean and slapped him, hard enough that there was a faint imprint of his hand on the taller man’s cheek. “Fuck you.”_

_Castiel gasped in surprise as his friend gripped him by the shoulders and slammed him against his dorm room door. His anger quickly turned to fear as the pain from the wood against his back throbbed in his shoulders. He hadn’t meant for his emotions to get the better of him and cause them to physically fight each other._

_Dean kept him pinned against the door, his grip had loosened, but his hands remained on his shoulders. Castiel searched his friend’s face, trying to figure out what was happening in those vivid green eyes. A storm appeared to be waged as Dean’s facial features went from angry, to sad, to something he couldn’t quite figure out. He was about to ask if he was alright when Dean pressed forward and slammed his lips against Castiel’s._

_It was a hard and awkward kiss, their teeth clacking together painfully. When Dean pulled away, he looked like he was in a daze. That dazed look quickly turned to panic and he pushed Castiel out of the way so he could run out of the room._

_“Hey! What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Castiel cried out, causing Dean to halt with his hand on the doorknob._

_Without looking up Dean answered, “I’m so sorry, Cas. I’m so sorry. That’s what I had meant when I said I was trying to protect our friendship.”_

_He opened the door and Castiel slammed it shut. Dean finally looked at his face. There were unshed tears in his friend’s eyes. Castiel shook his head in amazement and said, “You stupid son of a bitch.”_

_Before Dean could ask a question, he pushed the taller man against his door and closed the distance between them. Their lips came together, it was gentle and chaste. When Dean’s chest expanded with a gasp, Castiel leaned up on the tip of his toes to deepen the kiss, sliding his tongue between his friend’s lips. There was a little hesitation at first and then Dean started to respond, wrapping his arms around Castiel and pulling the shorter man closer. He groaned into the kiss, enjoying the sensation of Dean gently sucking on his tongue. After a couple of minutes Castiel pulled back a little and nipped at Dean’s bottom lip, gently teasing it with his tongue before he pulled away entirely._

_Dean looked down at Castiel and said in a somewhat astonished tone, “What was that?”_

_He chuckled at his friend and said, “I believe they call that a kiss…”_

**End Flashback**

//SPN//

Dean stared at Cas for a few minutes in contemplative silence. He wasn’t sure how to process everything he had heard. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe the story, hell, it sounded believable. When he was younger, he would act out his jealousy in some pretty immature and douche-y ways, but it was the way the story made him feel. He was genuinely sad about the fact that this place was not real. He had never really thought about it before, but at that moment, he really wanted to have what Bizarro Dean had. 

Cas looked concerned and asked, “Are you okay?”

Dean nodded, “Yeah, sorry. It’s just… I’m kind of jealous of myself, if that makes sense?”

“Not really? Just because you can’t remember it happening, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen to you, Dean.”

He let out a sigh. Dean had only spoken about the real world to Dr. Shepherd. They had both agreed that it would be best to not tell his loved ones about the fact that the life he does remember is a world filled with death, destruction, and monsters. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt he could trust Bizarro Cas. Maybe it was because he was so much like his Cas, other than the fact that this Cas smiled a lot more. Although, it wasn’t like they had a lot to smile about in the real world, he supposed. 

Dean shook his head, in an attempt to disregard that train of thought. He decided he wanted to be honest with this Cas. “It’s not just that I don’t remember what happened, or that I have partial amnesia. This is going to sound crazy to you, but I actually don’t remember anything from here because I’m from another universe, dimension, world, whatever it’s called. When I’m conscious here, I’m asleep where I’m from and vice versa.”

Cas stared at him. He looked incredibly uncertain, like he wasn’t sure if Dean was joking or not. “I… I’m not sure I’m understanding.”

Dean moved to sit Indian style as he faced Cas and continued, “So, it’s kind of a long story, but the short version is, in the life I know, the world I know, I’ve spent my entire life as a hunter…”

“Like deer?” Cas asked.

Dean shook his head, “No, more like demons, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, shapeshifters, wendigoes, the general scum of the earth. That kind of hunting.” 

His friend was utterly captivated while appearing mildly confused and suspicious. 

Dean continued, “Anyway, the past eleven years Sammy and I have been killing these things while also trying to stop Lucifer, a bunch of demon asshats, and angel dicks from finding new ways to try to jump-start the damn apocalypse. In my world, you’re an angel of the Lord who has basically betrayed heaven on several occasions to save our dumb asses, and the world. That’s why I knew who you were without remembering anything from this world. In reality, you’re my best friend and the one who raised me from perdition.” He smiled fondly at recalling one of the first things Castiel had ever said to him.

Cas observed Dean for a few silent minutes, scrutinizing him as though he were a freak at a circus. Finally, he said, “You’re serious, aren’t you?”

Dean nodded, “As a coma.” He smiled at the annoyed look on his friend’s face. 

“So, this, you and me right here, this isn’t real?” Cas asked, his tone genuinely curious.

“Yes and no, I guess? Like, this place feels pretty damn real, but so does my real life. And unfortunately, Lucifer would have a lot to gain by keeping me out of commission by locking me in a realistic Bizarro dream world.”

“Why is Lucifer targeting you?”

He let out a sigh, “It’s kind of a long story.”

“Well, Benny guaranteed you at least two more hours of outdoor freedom, so, shoot.”

//SPN//

Dean had spent almost an hour explaining in detail just what had been happening for the past few years and why he was certain all of this was a dream, or a trick of some kind. Cas listened intently, rarely interrupting except to occasionally ask him a question. It had been nice to talk freely about, well, pretty much everything. 

“Can I be honest with you, Dean?” He asked, a hint of sadness in his voice.

Dean couldn’t say no to his friend, especially after he had attentively listened to him babble for an hour about things that probably sounded insane beyond comprehension considering they were in a world devoid of supernatural things. “Of course.” 

Cas grasped Dean’s left hand gently and squeezed. He took a deep breath before finally saying, “I know that to you, this place isn’t real, that you’ve lived another life and who knows, maybe you have? I don’t know if this is the work of the devil, a rip in the space time continuum, or a parallel universe, but whatever it is, I have had to live without you for the past eleven years.” 

His voice cracked as he continued, “While you’ve been fighting monsters and angels, I have been here. Here in a world where, even after you were out of the woods medically, you remained unconscious and I was there every step of the way. While you were stopping the apocalypse, I was at your bedside, begging you to wake up. While you were fighting Leviathan, I was helping your parents find the best long-term care facility in all of the state to take care of you. While you were up against knights of hell, I was holding your hand and singing our song to you in the hopes that it would bring you back to me. This world may not be real to you, but every single tear I have shed, every single day that my heart broke a little bit more when you did not wake up, every single day that I would wake up and feel a shred of hope, only to be so very wrong. All of this is very, VERY real to me. I’m sorry this isn’t your world, Dean, and I know it’s selfish of me to say, but now that you’re here with me, holding my hand, I will die before I give that up again. I don’t care if we never go back to what we used to be, if we only stay friends, I just know that I _need_ you. I need you to stay with me.” Cas let out a quiet sigh before it turned into a broken sob. He let go of Dean’s hand in order to place his face in both of his hands, unable to stop the tears.

Dean moved to pull Cas into a hug. They stayed in that position for several minutes. Dean refused to stop holding his friend until the shaking and tears eased up. He felt torn. He wanted to believe that this world was a dream, but the more he learned, the more doubt he had. The pain in Cas’ voice was real, the tears that were getting his shirt damp were real, the sympathy and love he felt for the man in his arms was real, too. Fuck, maybe reality really was subjective. 

He pulled away gently and used his left hand to tilt Cas’ chin up to look him in the eyes. He wanted to say he was sorry, he wanted to tell him he had been joking, whatever might have made his friend feel better. He stared into those ridiculously blue eyes and in that moment all he wanted to do was close the distance between them. So he did.

Dean pressed his lips against Cas’, a gentle press, no deepening, no pornographic tongue wrestling. He just let himself feel the sensation of the other man’s lips against his own. He let himself feel the hammering of his heart at such a simple, yet incredibly intimate gesture. It was intoxicating, the sensation of kissing Cas. He found that the feeling of stubble against his chin was not unpleasant. He was kind of regretting not trying this whole kissing dudes thing a hell of a lot sooner.

He pressed two more chaste kisses against those lips before he pulled back. Dean smiled and gently wiped the wetness from Cas’ cheeks with his shirt sleeve. “Please don’t cry. I’m here right now, I’m here and I don’t know what’s happening, I don’t really understand what I’m feeling for you, I have no idea what’s going on, but right now, I’m here, I’m right here…”

//SPN//

After Cas had been able to compose himself, they made their way back to Baby and began their trek to the hospital. The Beatles were still playing on the stereo, so it must have been one of their albums. 

About halfway to the hospital, ‘Across the Universe’ came out of the speakers. Dean smiled and said, “I love this song.”

Cas turned to look at Dean briefly as they slowed down at a stop sign. He returned the smile and said, “It’s our song, actually.”

Dean leaned forward to turn the volume up, and as he started to sing along to the words, he grabbed Cas’ right hand from the steering wheel and held it until they got back.

//SPN//

By the time Dean had walked to his bed at the facility, he felt incredibly exhausted. Cas helped him into some pajamas and then into his bed. Dean smiled sleepily at his friend after he fell against his pillows. He reached out to grab Cas’ hand after he sat on the side of his bed, “Thank you for today.”

Cas pulled Dean’s hand to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss to his knuckles. He then kept their hands entwined as he replied, “Thank you for being here.”

Dean had really started to like Bizarro world. He was in a place where there were no monsters, his parents were alive, his brother was a successful lawyer, and he was loved immeasurably by an amazing guy. He couldn’t explain it, but the more time he spent with Bizarro Cas, the more he started to realize how much he cared about his own Cas. Was it love? Had it always been love and his own deep-rooted issues with his sexuality had blinded him? He still wasn’t sure, but the way his heartbeat skipped when he shared an intense moment with Cas, the way he felt relief and joy when he saw him, the occasions he felt a discernible attraction to the other man that he convinced himself was simply admiration. Dean had to admit, he wasn’t entirely straight. He wasn’t gay, maybe he really was just Cassexual, whatever it was; he was becoming more and more comfortable with that idea.

They sat there for several minutes just holding each other’s hands when Dean disrupted the companionable silence, “Cas?” 

“Yes?”

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but the only piece of the puzzle missing from the night of the accident is what you said. You told me you put me here, and it doesn’t seem to fit.”

Cas immediately stiffened, withdrawing his hand and moving to sit on the chair. Dean was about to tell him to get his ass back on the bed when his friend started talking, “I put you here because I pressured you to come out. If I hadn’t done that, you never would have been driving from your parents, frantically texting me about your dad calling you a faggot. It’s my fault for threatening to leave you if you didn’t tell your family. I didn’t want to break up, I just… I couldn’t imagine pretending to be your roommate for the rest of my life. I love you too much and as cliché as it sounds, I didn’t want to be a secret. I didn’t want what we shared to be hidden. So, if that ruins your image of me…”

“Shut up,” Dean interrupted. He shook his head at Cas, “Is that it? Is that really why you think you put me here? Because let me tell you, you had no control over what happened that night. And honestly? It sounds like I was the dumb ass, texting while driving.” Dean moved to drop his legs over the side of the bed near Cas and scooted as far forward as he could. He continued, “Look at me.”

Cas slowly lifted his gaze and made eye contact with him. His eyes were shiny, as though at any moment he would start crying.

Dean pressed on, “I know you’ve been living with this guilt for years, but you have to understand, it’s nobody’s fault. It was a stupid accident that could have ended a hell of a lot worse than it did. And I know it’s easier said than done to just accept that, but I want you to promise me that no matter what happens you have heard me tell you that it is not your fault and you will learn to accept that. Nothing you did or could have done put me in this place.”

“But…”

“No,” Dean interrupted. “Promise me.”

Cas stared at him for a few moments before finally nodding. He stood up and helped Dean lie back down before sitting on the side of the bed again. Cas took his hand again and with his free one, gently caressed Dean’s cheek. 

Dean fell asleep with his hand in Castiel’s and a smile on his face.

//SPN//

Dean woke up and when he realized he was in the bunker he cried out, “Fuck!” While he may not have wanted to admit it, he had actually started to look forward to waking up in Bizarro world. 

He sat up and searched for his phone. 35 missed calls from Sam, and it had been five days since he had last woken up in his world. He turned on the bedside lamp and dialed his brother, uncaring that it was four a.m.

Despite that, his brother picked up by the third ring with a sleepy, “You’re awake.” 

Dean chuckled, “Yeah, five freakin’ days later. I wanted to make sure your gazillion missed calls weren’t crazy important.”

“Actually, I have some great news, we found James and Portia. They agreed to help us after what we did to help them. Jesse and I are about a day’s drive away from the bunker and they’re following us. We should be back by midnight tonight. Do you think you can stay awake that long?”

Dean wanted to scoff, but after five days of sleep, his brother wasn’t wrong in asking him that. “I’ll make sure I am.”

//SPN//

That night Sam, Jesse, James, and Portia had made great time and arrived at the bunker around nine p.m. Dean ordered a couple of pizzas while Sam showed James and Portia to a room to get settled. When the pizza arrived, the five of them were sat on the different rolling chairs in the makeshift living area while they ate.

James turned to Dean after he finished his third slice and asked, “Sam told me you’ve been having these weird dreams and you guys think it might be Lucifer trying to mess with you?” 

Dean coughed, not expecting that to be brought up. He assumed that they found James to help with the Amara thing. He nodded and said, “Yeah, it’s not really a dream though. It’s a little too real to be a dream, other than the fact that it’s almost the opposite of reality.”

James nodded his understanding and left the room. Before Dean could ask what the hell that was about, the warlock came back and was carrying a basket looking thing. He placed it on the coffee table, next to the pizza, and starting pulling different jars and vials out of it. He continued pulling items out of the basket as he said, “I know we’re here to find a way to locate and defeat the darkness, but Sam seemed genuinely worried about what’s happening to you. I was hoping, if you didn’t mind, we could try to get to the bottom of this…”

Dean quirked his brow at the warlock and asked, “How?”

“There’s a potion that will allow me to see into your mind, so if what is happening to you in your dreams is a manipulation from an outside force, I’ll be able to detect it. I might not be able to detect who is manipulating your thoughts as you sleep, but if we confirm it, then I can work on another potion that should stop you from dreaming altogether.”

Dean hesitated, but when he made eye contact with Sam, his brother gave him that damned puppy dog look and he couldn’t help but agree to it. “Alright, so what do I gotta do?”

James smiled as he started pouring different liquids into a black bowl he pulled out of the basket. “Nothing, once I’m done mixing this, I’m going to just pour it on your head, say an incantation and if your mind is being messed with, you’ll glow a purplish color.”

It sounded simple enough. Dean shrugged and leaned back against his chair as he opened his arms, “I’m all yours!”

Once James finished the potion, he got up and stood behind the chair that Dean was sitting in, standing over the hunter while holding the bowl. He started to pour the liquid on the top of Dean’s head and said, “This might be a bit…”

“Cold!” Dean cried out.

“Sorry,” James said before starting the incantation. 

Suddenly, Dean felt very dizzy and sick. He didn’t think that was normal and the concerned look on James’ face was kind of proof his thought was right. Before he could say anything, a bizarre light came out of Dean’s eyes. It didn’t hurt at all, but it was pretty damn weird. He looked up at the ceiling and the light created a white screen type of projection. Dean started to turn his head away and James halted him by gently grasping his shoulder. 

“Wait, look.”

Everyone turned their attention upwards and watched as they saw the hospital room from Dean’s dreams projected onto the ceiling. Benny was there, talking with Anna Milton. Their voices were muffled, but it sounded like she was berating Benny for letting Cas take Dean outside. Benny was arguing with her about recovery being more than just therapy. Suddenly the image fizzled out, the light disappeared, and the coldness Dean had felt from the potion was gone. He turned to James. “What the hell was that?”

Before the warlock could answer, Sam asked, “Was that Bizarro world?”

Dean nodded and looked back to James, “Seriously, what was that? What does it mean? Why is the dream continuing without me?”

James looked genuinely concerned and confused as he answered, “I don’t know…”


	7. Jai Guru Deva. Om

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam was standing in the doorway, he looked seriously pissed off. “What the hell is your problem, Dean?!” 
> 
> “Not now, Sammy.”
> 
> Sam stepped into the room and approached him, “No, you need to tell me what’s going on. Why the hell are you freaking out? What the hell is there to think about? We have a way to defeat the darkness, normally you would be jumping at the opportunity!”
> 
> “Because I don’t want to do this anymore!” Dean cried out before he could stop himself.
> 
> Sam eyed his brother carefully and asked, “Don’t want to do what anymore, Dean? Fight monsters? Hunt? Save the world? Or… or be here?”
> 
> Dean couldn’t bring himself to look at his brother. He sighed before answering, “All of the above.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading so far! I'd like to especially thank [ItsThursdaysChildToYou](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsThursdaysChildToYou/pseuds/ItsThursdaysChildToYou) for being the first person to comment on this story so far! Thank you for your kind words!
> 
> Like I said, the entire story is written, I just have to edit before I upload the remaining chapters. I'm hoping I can get the 8th chapter uploaded in the next few hours as well.
> 
> Also, warning! There is a sex scene in this chapter, it's not particularly explicit or lengthy, but it is there.

Dean had excused himself from the group in the living area and shut himself in his own room. What the hell was going on with his subconscious? He was pretty sure that dreams, or fake dreams, or whatever the hell Bizarro world was, were not supposed to actually continue without him there. That lingering doubt that had been crumbling was practically dust at that point. Could it be possible? Was the world he knew, the only life he had ever known, was it possible it was all a fucked up dream in his comatose brain? 

He started pacing back and forth in the small space of his room, trying to come to terms with the possibility that his reality was not reality at all. There was a soft knock on his door and he ignored it as he continued to pace.

Sam opened the door and carefully stepped into the room, “Dean?”

Dean stopped pacing and faced his brother.

Sam continued, “Are you okay?”

He wanted to tell him that he was fine. That what they all just saw didn’t fuck with his head. That he wasn’t contemplating stabbing himself in the heart to see if he would wake up in Bizarro world. Dean sighed and moved to sit on the edge of his bed, before finally answering, “I don’t think so, Sammy.”

Sam closed the door and moved to sit next to his brother. “I know that was weird, but James thinks he might have made a wrong potion, one that shows us what you see instead of whether your dreams are being tampered with. He’s going to research and try again and we should be able to…”

“Damnit, Sammy!” Dean cried out, his voice trembling slightly. He ignored the surprised look on his brother's face and continued, “You can’t be that naïve. What the hell _was_ that?! If this was a dream or a mindfuck by Lucifer, or whoever, then why is it continuing on like… like…”

“Like how life continues on here when we sleep?”

Dean snapped his thumb against him middle finger and pointed at Sam, “Exactly. Dude, I know you don’t want to hear this, but I don’t know what’s real anymore.”

His brother took a deep breath, apparently choosing his words carefully, “Look, Dean. I’m not even going to try to pretend I understand what you’re going through. We’ve both seen some pretty messed up shit in our lives, but, the thing is, we’re always able to come back to where we’re needed, right? Remember when Zachariah gave us new lives and we still ended up going back to hunting?”

“It’s not the same there, Sammy. There isn’t anything to hunt! We’re just normal people. You’re a boring ass lawyer with a wife, I was a mechanic that sang in a band on weekends. Can you honestly say that it makes sense that all this supernatural shit is everywhere? I mean, EVERYWHERE. Isn’t it just a little too convenient that no matter where we go, we run into something that needs to be hunted?”

“Dude, we _search_ for cases, of course we run into something that needs to be hunted, our job is to look for it!”

Dean sighed, “Look, what if, just… What if there is the slightest chance that this isn’t real? I mean, the amount of times we survive odds where we shouldn’t! Shit, remember that werewolf case a few months ago when you got shot and that dick tried to kill you? You really shouldn’t have survived. And there’s no way I should have survived that OD, man. We die and come back, all the damn time. That sounds like a fantasy to me.”

Sam shook his head, “Can’t you see that this is what whoever is doing this to you wants? He or she wants you to doubt everything. Death doesn’t seem to stop us, but this? This falling asleep for days at a time, staying in a world that is pretty much everything you could have ever wanted, that’s how they stop us.”

Dean wanted to believe his brother. He desperately wanted to believe that he was just being messed with, that Bizarro world was a trick to keep him out of commission. It would be a pretty damn good trick. But what if it wasn’t? 

//SPN//

After Sam left, Dean had crawled into his bed, fighting the urge to sleep. It didn’t last very long before sleep took him. When he woke up in the hospital bed in Bizarro world, he ignored the feeling of relief he felt. Dr. Milton stepped into the room and he sat up, greeting her with a smile.

She returned the smile and said, “Good morning, Mr. Winchester. How are you feeling?”

He shrugged, “Okay, a little sore, but other than that…”

Anna smirked, “Yes, I heard about your expedition yesterday.”

Huh. So the vision they saw _was_ real. This wasn’t helping reality’s case. “I hope Benny won’t get in trouble for letting us go outside.”

She smiled and shook her head, “I talked to him. He’s not in any trouble, but no more excursions until you can at least start walking without any assistance, okay?”

Dean gave her a bright smile and nodded.

//SPN//

After physical therapy, Dean had been able to walk some of the way to Dr. Shepherd’s office. The nurse followed him closely with a wheelchair and when they reached the door, helped him back into the chair. Dean opened and closed the door for himself. It was kind of weird how proud he felt at such a small accomplishment. 

Dr. Shepherd noticed the smile on his face and asked, “Improving?”

Dean nodded, “I’m getting stronger every day.”

“That’s wonderful,” he said as he moved to his big chair.

“Uh, Doc? Can I ask you something?”

The older man nodded.

Dean thought about how he wanted to word his request and decided to just be blunt. “If I wanted to shut out my world, stay here mentally and work towards getting my memories back, how… uh, how can I do that?”

Dr. Shepherd seemed a little taken aback, but rather pleased with the question. He was pensive for a few moments before saying, “Well, I think what is keeping you tied to your world is your emotional connections. Not just how you are needed, but who needs you. Specifically your brother and the friends you have. I think if you start cutting those connections, you should be able to remain here in dreams as well as when you are conscious.”

“How do I cut connections?”

At that question the doctor seemed a little hesitant to answer, but continued, “Well, you would cut connections by ending your relationships with all of the people you care about. You would have to convince them to stop caring about you, as well. If you step away from them emotionally and end all connection, then I’m hoping that will aid in your ability to stay present and focused here, which will hopefully help you to start remembering your life.”

That would mean he would have to cut Sam and Cas out of his life. Even if he was starting to believe that his world was a fantasy, it still didn’t lessen how much the three of them had been through. Cutting those ties was a hell of a lot easier said than done. Shit, when it came to choosing the world or them? He always chose Cas and Sam. He was going to have to think about it. 

//SPN//

Later that day, Cas came in to visit Dean shortly after Sam and his parents had left. He had gotten to have a wonderfully long and real conversation with them about the night of the accident and how he didn’t blame them. He felt great and when he saw Cas, he felt his heart skip. 

Cas gave him a shy smile, “Hello, Dean.”

He was pretty sure he would never get sick of hearing _those_ words out of that man’s mouth. He waved in a beckoning motion for Cas to sit. “Hey, Cas,” he replied as the other man moved to where Dean was patting the bed.

“How are you feeling?” His friend asked.

“Great, actually. How about you?”

Cas smiled contentedly and said, “Perfect.”

Dean reached his hand out to hold Cas’, entwining their fingers together. Dean could not get over how much he enjoyed such a small and incredibly intimate gesture. The way he felt drawn to Cas in Bizarro world was intoxicating. He would probably need to stop referring to it as 'Bizarro world' if he decided he wanted to stay there. 

“So, is this,” Cas nodded to their joined hands, “Is this going to be a regular occurrence?”

Dean ducked his head, not sure how to answer. He was slowly and surely coming to terms with the fact that he and Cas shared more than friendship in this world. If he did end up choosing to stay there, he really wanted to explore this aspect of their relationship. “The thing is, while I have no memory of us as anything more than friends, I… Well, I would really like to see where this goes. The connection I have with my Cas is, well… it’s pretty intense. You’ve kind of made me question everything. I figured, if you wanted, we could take things slow, I mean, I have no freakin’ clue what I’m doing. I’m hoping you’re willing to work with me?”

Without missing a beat Cas replied with an enthusiastic, “Yes, Dean. I’ve waited eleven years for you to just wake up, whatever happens, wherever we go, I’m happy to wait a little longer. You’re worth it.”

Dean leaned forward and kissed him, gently at first, then with greater pressure. When Cas gasped, he playfully tapped his tongue against Cas’ own. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck and they both hummed in pleasure. Dean had never felt more turned on in his life, he couldn’t remember the last time he got hard from a freakin’ kiss. With a ragged gasp of his own, his hand went down the small of the other man’s back, pulling Cas tightly against him. Dean could feel his heart racing, as the heat from their connection engulfed his body. He sucked Cas’ tongue into his mouth, groaning at the soft little moans Cas was making. 

When they finally broke apart Cas rested his forehead against Dean’s, attempting to catch his breath. He pulled back and smiled before asking, “What happened to taking things slow?”

“Fuck it. You’ve got to live in the now, or some other hippie mantra bullshit, right?” Dean winked.

“Right,” Cas confirmed. He looked down and noticed Dean’s tented pajama bottoms. He quirked his brow in amusement, “You sure came to terms with your sexuality in record time.”

Dean feigned outrage, “Hey! Let me see you make out with a hot guy and not respond!”

Cas gave him a wolfish grin. 

Shit, that was not helping his problem. Cas had never looked at him in such a way, as though he would literally eat him alive. It was awesome. 

“Want me to help you out with that?” He practically purred.

Dean couldn’t remember any time he had been so freakin’ turned on from words alone. In that moment he was pretty sure he would happily let the real world burn to spend the rest of his life listening to Bizarro Cas talk dirty to him. 

Before he could answer in any kind of affirmative, Cas moved to lie alongside Dean. Their faces so close, he could feel the warmth from Cas’ breath on his lips. 

“Hi,” Cas whispered, a coy smile on his face. That appeared to be all of the talking he was going to do, his mouth now being occupied with sucking a trail down Dean’s neck. 

Dean groaned when Cas bit down, likely leaving a mark near his collar bone. Cas huffed and pushed himself to his knees on the bed. He grabbed the hem of Dean’s t-shirt and pulled it up and off. Staring unabashedly at Dean’s bare chest, he smiled, lust evident in his eyes. 

Dean was utterly incapable of focusing on anything but the unfettered movements of Cas’ body against his own. The scrape of Cas’ nails against his chest, teasing over his nipples, making Dean crazy with an unadulterated need. There was something just incredibly rough and fucking sexy as hell about being with a man; everything felt so good, Dean practically felt drunk on the different pleasures that were bombarding his senses.

Cas caught his mouth again, feeding on both of their needs. Dean did not want this to be one-sided, he surrendered to his desire to touch. He yanked the collar of Cas’ shirt, tearing a couple of buttons off. Cas took the hint and pulled his shirt over his head, dropping it unceremoniously to the ground. Dean gasped, Cas was utterly beautiful. He ran his palms down Cas’ chest, “Fuck.”

“Shhh,” Cas admonished, seeing as at any moment someone could walk in on them. He licked down Dean’s chin, tracing a teasing line over his neck and down passed his collarbone. 

Dean’s brain practically short circuited when Cas snuck his hand under the elastic of his pajama pants and wrapped a firm hand around the base of his cock. “Oh my God,” He breathed in a whisper. 

Cas stroked up and down, giving his cock a gentle squeeze every time his hand reached the tip. Dean bit into his fist to stifle the moan as the sensitive area was caressed. Cas smirked as he moved further down the bed. 

Dean was mesmerized as he watched Cas’ pink tongue dart out and lick the head of his cock. He couldn’t decide what was hotter: the image, or the way Cas’ tongue felt as he teased the head before swallowing him down to the base. Fuck that, it was no contest, the way it felt was _way_ better. In that moment Dean had decided, fuck his world. He would cut every tie, freakin’ literally if he had to, for the way Cas was sucking his dick. Dean panted, “Fuck, I’m not... gonna last...”

Cas hummed and the reverberations caused Dean to cry out. The utter perfection of it broke Dean’s brain. He could not stop his hips from thrusting upward. All he could do was breathe deeply and try not to choke him. 

Cas moved his hand from around Dean’s cock and braced it over his hips instead, an attempt to hold him still. He held Dean’s gaze while he sucked, circling his tongue around the head. He gently brushed the index finger of his other hand over Dean’s balls, then a little bit lower. 

When Cas teased across his opening, the barest touch, Dean could not contain himself. He barely managed a breathless warning, “I’m gonna come…” before he arched upward. 

Cas took a deep breath and relaxed his throat, so as to take him all the way in. He tilted his mouth from side to side, sucking and swallowing until Dean came undone. Or Dean assumed that was what happened based on how it felt. It had been too much for him to keep watching. He squeezed his eyes shut and tilted his head back as he let the wave of utter pleasure wash over him.

Cas crawled back up the bed to lie alongside him again. He caressed Dean’s cheek with the back of his hand, a content look on his face as he asked, “Okay?”

Dean smiled sleepily at him and before he could say anything, or even offer to reciprocate, there was a sudden overwhelmingly cold sensation that he felt from the inside out. It was like all of his internal organs had been doused in ice water. The last thing he heard before there was nothing but darkness was the concerned cries of, “Dean!”

//SPN// 

Dean woke up in the bunker with a gasp, soaked from the chest up in freakin’ ice water. He saw his brother standing at the side of his bed, holding a bucket and smiling.

“Are you freakin’ kidding me?!” Dean demanded.

Sam shrugged and handed him a towel, “Hey, you told me if you slept for too long, to dump a bucket of ice water on you.”

He took the towel and shook the water from his hair before he asked, “How long was I out?” 

“About twenty-eight hours. Get up, shower, and meet us in the kitchen. James found out something that is kind of a game changer.”

Sam was gone before he could ask what, so he flipped off the retreating form of his brother for being such a pushy dick. 

//SPN//

After a long, hot shower, in which he tried very hard to not think about Bizarro Cas; particularly Bizarro Cas' perfect lips wrapped around his... Anyway, Dean walked into the kitchen and went right for the coffee pot. James and Portia were sat at the counter, sipping from their own cups of coffee; while Sam and Jesse were at the table eating some awfully healthy looking breakfast. 

As he poured himself a cup, he asked James, “So, what’s the word, hummingbird?”

James gave Dean an annoyed look. Portia smirked at her husband. He rolled his eyes at her before answering, “While I’m working on a locating spell, I was able to find out something interesting. Lucifer can’t be the one to defeat the darkness.”

Dean’s pleasant mood went out the freakin’ window. He instantly felt angry. After all of the shit they’d been through. Cas saying, ‘yes,’ to Lucifer in order to shank the bitch, and in the end it was all for nothing? He was almost shaking he was so pissed. Dean took a calming breath before he asked, “Are you serious? So the freakin’ devil is wandering around, wearing my best friend I might add, and he doesn’t even have the juice to gank the darkness? Son of a bitch!”

James nodded, a solemn expression on his face, “I’m sorry. I know, it sucks.”

“Wait a second, so then how the hell was he able to defeat her the first time? That doesn’t make sense…”

“Yeah, you see, the thing is, the first time he wasn’t a fallen angel,” James said. “He hadn’t been cast out of heaven yet. The only one who can defeat Amara has to be one of God’s chosen and while Lucifer may have been that before, he sure as hell isn’t now.”

Dean wanted to punch something. Preferably Lucifer. Shit, they really needed to get Cas back. This could no longer be a waiting game. They were going to have to find him and somehow convince him to expel that asshole. As he was thinking about ways to save Cas, he remembered what happened with the angels when they tried to confront Amara. “Wait, so why did the angel brigade get wiped out when they confronted her? Aren’t all of his angels technically chosen?” 

Sam answered for James, “I asked the same thing. Apparently, you have to be specifically chosen by God. Like a prophet, or an archangel, or, well… a true vessel for an archangel.”

Dean froze as he was raising the coffee cup to his lips. Not this shit again. He was freakin’ done with being the stupid chosen one. “No. No way. Besides, I can’t kill her because of our stupid bond or whatever.”

James argued, “Actually, that’s not necessarily true. Because you were the righteous man, and the true vessel for the side of light, your bond with her is tainted. That’s why you despise her, despite feeling drawn to her. The only thing that could override that bond is a divine connection, that or if you are already bonded to another. Either way, you might be the one of the only people alive who can to defeat her.”

Dean felt overwhelmed. What the hell, now suddenly it was his responsibility to defeat Amara? He felt stuck again. Just when he thought he might be able to find peace or happiness, it was being taken away. He looked pointedly at his brother and said, “I told you, Sammy, I don’t think I can kill her. There’s got to be a better option. Find an archangel, or a prophet. Hell, just about anything would be better than me.”

“Dude, last time I checked, most of the archangels are dead and without there being a need to awaken a prophet, we have no idea who is the next one is. James is pretty sure he can help with the weird bond thing, maybe even find a way to sever it. I know this is a lot to take in, but with the help of Jesse and James, I think we might have a shot at getting rid of her for good.”

Dean slammed his cup down and before he stormed out of the kitchen said, “I need to think about it.”

//SPN//

Dean was hiding in his room thinking about everything he had just learned. Why the hell did this always happen? He had been contemplating cutting his emotional ties in order to escape to a world without monsters, without the constant pressure of having to save the world on his shoulders. He should have known that would never happen for him, that he would get reeled right back in to sacrificing himself for the greater good. Freakin’ Wrath of Khan type mentality. How the hell could he, in good conscience, abandon Sam and Cas when it turns out he was probably the only one who could actually defeat Amara? He contemplated going right back to sleep when the door to his bedroom slammed open.

Sam was standing in the doorway, he looked seriously pissed off. “What the hell is your problem, Dean?!” 

“Not now, Sammy.”

Sam stepped into the room and approached him, “No, you need to tell me what’s going on. Why the hell are you freaking out? What the hell is there to think about? We have a way to defeat the darkness, normally you would be jumping at the opportunity!”

“Because I don’t want to do this anymore!” Dean cried out before he could stop himself.

Sam eyed his brother carefully and asked, “Don’t want to do what anymore, Dean? Fight monsters? Hunt? Save the world? Or… or be here?”

Dean couldn’t bring himself to look at his brother. He sighed before answering, “All of the above.”

Sam let out an exasperated sounding sigh, “You know that whatever you’re dreaming about is not the real world, right? It isn’t! How can it be? You have no memories of Bizarro world because it never existed until you started getting your head fucked with. I know it’s a nice dream, a world without monsters, but damnit, Dean! Don’t you think it’s just a little too convenient that these dreams started happening around the time we got another hand of god? That your doubt about everything came when we find out that you might just be the only way we have to defeat the darkness? Shit, this makes me wonder if Lucifer has known that this whole time. It’s just seriously too convenient that these weird dreams or whatever started after our last encounter with him. Honestly, what are you thinking?”

“I don’t know!”

“What don’t you know?!”

“I don’t know what’s real!”

“You know what’s real? The fact that we need you! That I need you! And I feel pretty damn real, too!” Sam moved closer to Dean, he grabbed his right arm and roughly pushed up the sleeve. He pulled out a knife and before Dean could protest, pressed the knife deeply into the top of his forearm. 

Dean hissed in pain as Sam held onto his arm and said, “Remember when Lucifer kept screwing with me after the wall broke? You told me that pain, the regular crappy pain of here is so much more real than anything else. Anything from Hell, from hallucinations, from Bizarro earth.”

Dean finally yanked his arm back, holding it against his chest as he grabbed a t-shirt from his dresser to make a sort of tourniquet. The pain _was_ real, and was stinging like a son of a bitch. As he wrapped the wound, he looked at Sam and sighed. He knew his brother was right. “I get it.”

Sam nodded, seemingly satisfied with that response. “Okay, James is working on a potion that should stop you from dreaming entirely. If it works, you won’t go back to Bizarro world and hopefully stop you from sleeping for days at a time. Maybe then we can get back to normal.”

Dean nodded dumbly. He wanted to cry, to scream, but he knew what he needed to do. “I’m going to sleep, if I don’t wake up in a day, wake my ass up.”

Sam looked hesitant, “He’ll be done in a few hours; don’t you want to wait until then?”

“I know you won’t understand, but there’s a few things I gotta take care of first…” Dean didn’t care if Bizarro world was real or not at that point, at the very least he owed everyone there a goodbye. The pain in his arm was real, but so was the heartbreak he was feeling.


	8. Nothing's Gonna Change My World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean took the glass and stared at it for a few minutes. This was it, he would never see Bizarro world again. He would never see Bizarro _Cas_ again. He ignored the little voice in the back of his head that offered, ‘maybe it won’t work?’ He took a deep breath and chugged the entire contents of the glass in a few gulps. It was awful, one of the worst things he had ever tasted. It was like someone had boiled dirty gym socks in a vat of sweat and cat urine. He shuddered and slammed the glass on the counter top. He then proceeded to the fridge and grabbed a beer to wash the foul taste out of his mouth.

Dean woke up in the hospital bed. It was the next day, at least it probably was from the way the light was streaming in through the blinds over the window. He noticed a folded piece of paper on the tray next to him. He opened it. 

It was a note from Cas: ‘You passed out, you must have been exhausted. Anyway, no more extraneous activities until you’re strong enough. I’ll be back tomorrow, sleep well. Xoxo your angel.’

Dean swallowed the lump in his throat. Way to rub salt into an open wound, Bizarro world. Just when he had gotten used to the idea of living his life in a sappy, happily ever after, bullshit rom-com he got slapped in the face with his moral obligations. What a joke. 

The people in Bizarro world might all just be figments of his, or maybe someone else’s imagination, but it didn’t make the connections he felt with all of them any less real. But he had to give this up, it was the only way to save his real loved ones and hopefully defeat Amara. And maybe save the world along the way.

//SPN//

About an hour after Dean had woken up, Benny came in, holding a foil wrapped heavenly smelling package. It was a freakin’ breakfast burrito. The nurse placed it on the tray by his bed and gave Dean a wink, “Now, don’t you go tattlin’ on me. If this makes you sick, you didn’t get it from me, ya’ hear?”

When the nurse offered him a fist bump, Dean grabbed his wrist and pulled the man forward into an awkward, half-standing half-sitting hug. He held on for a few minutes before pulling back and saying, “You’re the best. Don’t you ever forget that, okay? I’ll never forget every single thing you’ve done for me. You’re the best nurse any patient could have.”

Benny seemed a little confused at first, but he shrugged it off. Despite the confusion, the smile on his face was pretty genuine, if not indicative of him being touched by such a heartfelt comment. “Thanks, brother.”

//SPN//

About an hour after Benny left, Mary and John were the next people who came into his room. Dean almost burst into tears, the thought of saying goodbye to them again, even if they weren’t real; it hurt. It hurt like Hell. It was like the universe wanted him and Sammy to be orphans. Dean bit his bottom lip and tried to focus on the fact that he had a lot of people counting on him at home.

Mary sat on the side of his bed and leaned forward to give Dean a kiss on the cheek, “How are you, baby?”

He held her hand and just stared at her for a few minutes, not answering. He tried to memorize every single line on her beautiful face. 

Her smile slowly turned into a frown as she grew more concerned from his lack of response. She held the back of her hand against his forehead in an attempt to check his temperature, “Are you feeling okay?”

Dean nodded, “Sorry, I kind of never realized just how beautiful you are.”

Mary smacked his knee playfully, “Hush, you.”

John came up behind her and gently caressed the side of her face with the back of his hand, “He’s right.”

She ducked her head, seemingly embarrassed by all of the attention. 

Dean chuckled and moved to hug her. John then leaned over and pulled them both into a hug. Dean didn’t want to let go. He wanted to stay in that moment for as long as humanly possible. He knew it was going to end. When his dad finally broke the contact and moved to sit in the chair, Dean just looked at his parents for a few minutes. He wasn’t going to be able to say goodbye. He’d spent far too much of his life saying goodbye to people he gave a damn about. Instead he asked, “Tell me a story?”

Mary and John shared a smile and his mom was the one who started, “How about the time you broke your arm when you were six because one of the neighborhood kids told you that the glitter they had thrown on you was pixie dust, and you thought that meant you could fly?”

Dean smiled and said, “Sounds perfect.”

//SPN//

Dean could not bring himself to actually say goodbye to his parents. Hell, he hadn’t been able to bring himself to say goodbye to anyone. It was becoming problematic. Instead he just listened to his parents tell him stories from a childhood that never happened. A wondrous childhood filled with trick or treating, Christmas mornings, family dinners, school dances, and so many of the things that he and Sam had missed out on in their lives as hunters. 

Sammy came to visit shortly after his parents had arrived. The stories from their childhood turned into all of them listening to tales of the different legal cases Sam had won. Including the successful pro-bono case he had taken for a gay couple who had been discriminated against for their marital status. 

Dean could have listened to them tell him stories of a monster free life for forever, he was pretty sure. His family left after a few hours with promises to come by again the next day. He choked out a barely audible, “See you later.” The lie burned, but it was easier to say than an actual goodbye.

Around six p.m. that night, Cas finally appeared. He apologized for being late, which was such a weirdly Cas thing to do; in either world. Apologizing for being late when there was no actual scheduled time. Although he did wish that Cas had been able to come visit him sooner. Dean was well aware that because time did not seem to flow in Bizarro world the same way it did at home, he probably didn’t have much time left before he was water-boarded awake.

When Cas leaned in to give him a hug, Dean grabbed his blue tie and pulled him into a kiss. Fuck goodbyes, heartache, or whatever the hell else there was; if this was his last time with Bizarro Cas, he was going to make the most of it. 

“Did you miss me or something?” Cas teased.

Dean chuckled. “I…” He started to answer before he felt a cold chill down his spine. Shit! Not now! He needed more time. 

Cas noticed the panicked look on Dean’s face, “What’s wrong?”

He needed more time, damnit! He held onto Cas’ hand, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Cas. I want you to know that I really care about you…”

Cas clung to his hand, “Dean, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”

He shook his head as the coldness started to become more pronounced, “Don’t wait for me, not again. I need you to promise me, whatever happens… whatever happens to me, promise me that you’ll move on with your life. You deserve to have a life, an amazing life.”

There was genuine fear in Cas’ eyes, “What are you talking about?”

“Promise me!”

“I… I…”

And that was the last thing Dean heard before his vision was washed out with bleak darkness.

//SPN//

Dean woke up, once again covered in icy water. He glared at his younger brother, standing next to him holding a now empty bucket. 

The smile on Sam’s face instantly vanished at the look of pure, unadulterated fury on Dean’s. “You told me to wake you up in…”

“I know what I said!” He snapped.

Sam took a step back, he started to apologize and Dean threw his pillow at him.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, he hesitated before finally saying, “The, uh… the potion is ready.”

Dean stood up and snatched the towel out of his brother’s other hand. He started towel drying his hair as he stormed passed Sam and out of his room. 

//SPN//

James was standing in the kitchen, over a makeshift cauldron on the stove. He was pouring a ladle of some green looking slop into a glass when Dean walked in. 

The warlock gave the hunter a smile and handed him the glass. “This will stop you from dreaming, which should also hopefully stop you from sleeping for extended periods of time. But I want to warn you, this can’t be undone. Once you drink this, you’ll never dream again.”

Dean took the glass and stared at it for a few minutes. This was it, he would never see Bizarro world again. He would never see Bizarro _Cas_ again. He ignored the little voice in the back of his head that offered, ‘maybe it won’t work?’ He took a deep breath and chugged the entire contents of the glass in a few gulps. It was awful, one of the worst things he had ever tasted. It was like someone had boiled dirty gym socks in a vat of sweat and cat urine. He shuddered and slammed the glass on the counter top. He then proceeded to the fridge and grabbed a beer to wash the foul taste out of his mouth.

James watched him, curiosity evident on his face. “Are you okay?”

Dean growled, “Peachy,” before walking out of the kitchen.

//SPN//

Sam and Jesse were in the library doing research with Portia and James. They were busy planning how to lure out Amara so that Dean could gank the bitch. Now that he had all of the sleep protections, hopefully with the help of some spellwork to sever his bullshit bond with Amara, and, of course, the shroud; he should be able to take her out without any problem. The only thing they hadn’t addressed yet was the Lucifer problem, and more specifically, Cas. They hadn’t even attempted to plot out a way to save Cas. Apparently the angel was on the back burner for the time being. 

Dean was pissed. He wasn’t about to lose Cas in both worlds. In the weeks he had learned about the fake history Bizarro Cas and he shared, he found himself wanting. A dangerous territory for a hunter, but Cas had always kind of been the exception to a lot of his rules anyway. He kept thinking about their last kiss. It was almost fucking perfect, except for the fact that he had to let go of it. He found himself wishing that he could share that with _his_ Cas. An angel of the Lord who raised him from Hell, who taught him how to trust and have faith. He didn’t have faith in God, screw that dick. He had faith in himself, in his brother, and most of all, in Cas. That was all Dean needed. 

He had to sacrifice his happiness for the greater good, as usual, but this time it just wasn’t going to be enough. If he was going to face down the darkness, he needed his best friend by his side. Dean knew what he had to do. He grabbed the box the shroud was being kept in from the artifacts room, grabbed the keys to Baby, and slipped out of the bunker.


	9. Nothing's Gonna Change My World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean’s mind was clouded with rage. He somehow managed to shove Lucifer back, releasing the hold the angel had on him. “Fuck you,” he choked out, the pain in his rib cage causing him to stutter his speech.
> 
> Lucifer chuckled again, he tilted his head sideways, looking at Dean as though he were a curious artifact. “Interesting, I wonder why there’s a Beatles song playing in your head?”
> 
> Dean’s eyes widened in terror. Fuck it, Lucifer could read his damn mind? How much other shit could he do with his mind? _Was_ Lucifer behind Bizarro world after all?

Dean drove to the parking lot of an abandoned warehouse near town. He had left the bunker about thirty minutes prior and he hadn’t gotten a call from Sam yet. Good, they were all still blissfully unaware that he had left. He had been tempted to turn his phone off so they couldn't locate him through his GPS, but in the end it was probably a better bet to leave it on if things go south. It was early in the morning so there were not any people around. He parked Baby in the farthest corner of the empty lot and got out. 

“Come on, you dick! I know you can locate me, so get your ass up here!”

Within ten minutes, he was face to face with Lucifer, still wearing Cas to the damn prom. The angel smirked at him, “Well, well, well. To what do I owe this pleasure?”

“Cut the crap, Lucifer. I want to make a deal with you.”

Lucifer chuckled, seemingly unimpressed. “What makes you think you have anything I could possibly want?”

Dean looked at Baby. The shroud was in her trunk, in an anti-angel casing. He turned back to the angel and said, “I have the hand of god you tried to snake from us.”

 _That_ got the bastard’s attention. “And just how did you manage that?” He asked, sounding more curious than he likely intended.

“Who cares? Do you want the damn thing or not?”

Lucifer t’sked at Dean, stepping around him in a predatory manner, “Does Sammy know you’re here?”

“Don’t bring my brother into this.”

“Oooh, touchy!”

Dean rolled his eyes, he was fed up with the snarky bullshit. “Look. I’m willing to give you the hand of god, but you gotta get outta Cas and find another meatsuit. I don’t care what, or who. We can have our pissing contests later, but for now, I’ll give you the shroud, if you expel yourself.”

The angel cackled. He shook his head, the smile never leaving his smug face, “You do realize that I could kill you and take it anyway? It was quite silly of you to try to play with the big boys with absolutely nothing in your arsenal.”

Dean scoffed, “It’s in a casing warded to deflect angels. You can’t even touch it. If you’re going to kill me, then just do it, but know you won’t get anywhere near the shroud without me. So, do we have a deal or not?”

Lucifer seemed to contemplate the offer for a moment. He hemmed and hawed before turning to face Dean with a Cheshire cat type of grin. “I’m going to go with, ‘not’.”

Before he could respond, Dean was flung backwards several feet, slamming into the side of the building. He felt a couple of his ribs crack on impact. He gasped for breath as he moved to stand up, his chest burning. Not even giving it a thought, he charged at Lucifer and was able to get in a punch that glanced the angel’s chin. 

Before he knew what was happening, Lucifer retaliated with a punch in the gut, causing Dean to double over. He expelled the last bit of choked air from his lungs. Dean hated having the wind knocked out of him, the strength of the archangel’s punch was packed with much more pain than he was used to. But being a veteran of many a fight with all kinds of different supernatural, and not so supernatural beings, he knew how to handle it. He stood up and stared at his opponent. 

The look on Lucifer’s face was amused. He waved for Dean to come at him again, smiling like he was the freakin’ joker. 

Dean lurched forward and swung. The blow felt sluggish and weak, as though he was hitting him under water. 

Lucifer let out a cruel bark of laughter and before Dean could even register what was happening, he felt a sharp pain as his upper and lower rows of teeth made unplanned contact. Lucifer’s fist had collided into the bottom part of his jaw. He didn’t fall, but his head was spinning from the power of the punch. Dean could taste copper as he felt blood drip from the corner of his mouth.

Lucifer went in for another shot and Dean was able to shove him away. The moment’s reprieve was short lived when the angel slammed him into the wall again, this time with his own hands. 

He continued to hold Dean in place before leaning in closely and saying, “You know he’s screaming in here, right? Your precious ‘Cas’. He’s trying so damn hard to stop me from beating you to a pulp. He seems to care a lot for you, Deano. How well do you think he’ll handle you dying by his hand?”

Dean’s mind was clouded with rage. He somehow managed to shove Lucifer back, releasing the hold the angel had on him. “Fuck you,” he choked out, the pain in his rib cage causing him to stutter his speech.

Lucifer chuckled again, he tilted his head sideways, looking at Dean as though he were a curious artifact. “Interesting, I wonder why there’s a Beatles song playing in your head?”

Dean’s eyes widened in terror. Fuck it, Lucifer could read his damn mind? How much other shit could he do with his mind? _Was_ Lucifer behind Bizarro world after all?

The angel snorted. “Of course I was, you idiot!” He answered the unasked question before he continued, “Didn’t you like the pretty little world where mommy and daddy were alive? Where you could have been happy? Oh…” He feigned a gasp of surprise and continued, his tone sarcastic and cruel, “You actually thought it was real, didn’t you? How utterly _precious_!”

Dean spit in the angel’s face, traces of his blood spattering across his cheeks. 

For the first time since their encounter, Lucifer stopped smiling. He slammed the hunter against the wall again, holding his elbow against Dean’s throat. “I’m going to enjoy ripping you limb from limb. I can’t wait to hear you choke on your own blood.” Lucifer released his hold and stepped back. 

The next blow clocked Dean in the side of his face, a purpling bruise already starting to develop. Dean shook his head, trying to make the dizziness stop. He grasped Lucifer by the blue tie and pleaded, “Please. Castiel, please.”

The angel’s face twitched. There was a glimmer of recognition before it was quelled down and the telltale smirk of the devil overtook his features once again. He laughed, “Nice try, darling. It’s going to take a hell of a lot more than that to get rid of me.”

Dean was going to lose. He was going to die and Cas was never going to know how he truly felt about him. That he had started imagining a less bleak future for the two of them. One that was sort of domestic, or as domestic as a hunter and a fallen angel could get. Fuck, he couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t die without trying to let Cas know. Dean took what strength he had left and pulled Lucifer’s face forward. The angel looked confused and he took that opportunity to go out on his own terms. Dean pulled him the rest of the way forward until their mouths collided. He put every unsaid word, every longing look, and every emotion he had ever felt for Castiel into that harsh kiss.

Lucifer shoved him away and stumbled backwards. His face and body started twitching like it had in the storage facility.

Dean watched on, hope starting to fire up in his chest. He called out, “Cas?”

The angel fell to the ground, continuing to twitch and writhe. All of a sudden, his movements came to a complete stop. There was no movement. Dean was about to step closer when a bright light came out of the body on the ground and an unearthly scream followed. 

Dean hunched over and covered his ears, watching in fascination as the light poured out of the angel for a good few minutes. When it stopped, the hunter moved closer. He turned the body over, still and unmoving. Dean felt panic start to rise and he shook the angel by his shoulders. “Castiel?” He called out.

The angel blinked a few times and when he made eye contact with Dean, he gave his friend a serene smile. “Dean,” was all he managed to say in his welcoming, gravelly voice, before he passed out. 

There was an overwhelming wave of relief that washed over Dean. He leaned down to pull Cas’ right arm around his neck as he lifted him bridal style into his arms. He carried the unconscious angel to Baby and gently lay him on the passenger seat before closing the door. He stood there for a moment, not sure if he should cry or scream. Dean chose neither as he made his way to the driver’s side.

//SPN//

Cas didn’t wake up during the drive home. He didn’t wake up as Dean carried him into the bunker. He didn’t wake up when Sam, Jesse, and Portia called out questions and demands as Dean took him into his room and lay him on the bed. The angel was breathing, his chest gently moving up and down. Dean closed his bedroom door behind him as he went back into the bunker to deal with the shit-storm that was awaiting him.

//SPN//

“What the hell did you do, Dean?” Sam practically screeched.

Dean raised his arms in a surrendering gesture, “Hey! Calm down. If you calm down, I’ll tell you.”

His brother nodded and moved to sit at the table in the kitchen. Portia was sitting at the counter, while James and Jesse stood off to the side near the stove. Everyone was raptly watching the two brothers yell at each other.

Once Sam was seated, Dean continued, “I left to meet up with Lucifer so I could give him the Shroud of Turin in exchange for him expelling himself out of Cas.”

At that revelation, everyone in the room started crying out their shock and dismay. It was hard to figure out who was yelling what, they were all screaming on top of each other. 

Sam became the loudest as he cried, “Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“Hey! Hey! Everyone shut the hell up!” Dean bellowed, bringing everyone to a stunned silence. He took a deep breath and continued, “Look, I know it wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but none of you were doing anything to help Cas! I couldn’t just let him… I couldn’t…” Dean stopped. It was like everything that had happened to him over the last few weeks suddenly hit him all at once. Before he could stop himself, he felt himself lose control over his emotions. 

He hated crying, it always made him feel weak. He knew it was a bullshit thing to think, but he couldn’t help how he had been raised. All of the pain, all of the anguish he had been suppressing came flooding through. Abandoning Bizarro Cas and his family, as well as any semblance of a normal and happy life. Finding out that it _was_ just a twisted mindfuck by Lucifer. Being told that he was the goddamn key to defeating Amara. Rescuing Cas, but still not knowing if he was going to be alright. Figuring out that he loved the stupid angel. Shit. He did love him, didn’t he? 

Dean fell to his knees, the pain of them colliding with the hard floor not even registering as he started to hyperventilate. The tears were pouring, but he didn’t feel like he was crying. It was more like he was having trouble breathing, his chest felt heavy as though he was drowning. 

Sam was instantly at his side, holding a paper bag in front of his face. “Here, breathe in this. Come on, Dean. Deep breaths,” he coached as he gently rubbed his brother’s back.

Dean could not catch his breath and the stupid-ass bag wasn’t doing anything. He felt light headed and his vision got blurry. The light-headedness turned into a mushy, cotton candy type of sensation. He thought it was kind of nice. And that was when everything went black.

//SPN//

When Dean woke up, he was sprawled out on the couch in the makeshift living room. It was weird, he had half expected to wake up in Bizarro world. He quelled the disappointment he felt that he did not. Although, now that Lucifer was out of Cas, he wouldn’t have the connection anymore, so it was moot anyway. That’s when Dean realized that the potion James had given him had obviously worked. He hadn’t dreamed at all. 

He sat up and looked around. Jesse and Sam were sitting in the corner at a table, discussing their plans, still not having noticed Dean wake up. 

“What happened?” Dean asked.

Sam smiled at seeing his brother awake, “You fainted.” He stood up and walked to where Dean was sitting. He leaned over the back of the couch, the opposite end of his brother so he could face him as he continued, “Look, Dean. I’m sorry. We found the shroud in the trunk, I know you didn’t end up giving it to Lucifer. And Jesse confirmed that Lucifer was successfully expelled from Cas.”

His brother paused for a moment, as though he was carefully planning out his next words, “We should have been more concerned about Cas, I think we were all focused on the immediate threat, you know? It’s not that I don’t care about Cas, it was just…”

“No, I get it, Sammy. And I know how stupid it was to confront the devil without any backup, but I wasn’t really thinking, you know? I was just, feeling, I guess…”

Sam nodded, “I know. I guess… I guess I should have seen it sooner. Maybe if I had, we could have worked something out together, instead of you going all Don Quixote on a quest.”

“Seen what sooner?” Dean was genuinely confused.

Sam seemed to hesitate, unsure of how to answer. Finally he said, “The uh… The way you feel about Cas.” Dean looked like he was about to argue and Sam waved him off, “No, dude. Just, it’s okay, you know? Don’t get too into your head about it. Anyone can see that you love the guy.”

“Of course I do, Sammy! I love you, too. You’re family, you both are.”

“I know, but you don’t love Cas the way you love me. You’re _in_ love with Cas. And that’s okay, I hope you realize that it’s okay. I don’t care who or what you love, man. I just want you to be happy.”

Dean smiled. He wasn’t sure why, but hearing that come out of his little brother’s mouth made him feel a hell of a lot better about everything. “Thanks, Sammy.”

//SPN//

It had been about nine hours since Dean had brought Cas back, tucking him into his own bed and hoping that with some sleep, or whatever it was that angels did to put themselves back together, would help. Dean was sitting in the chair beside his bed, watching the sleeping form of his best friend. 

He scooted the chair closer so that he could reach out and grab Cas’ hand. He wasn’t sure why, but in that moment he thought about Bizarro Cas. He had been so grateful, hearing about their love story, no matter how made up in his head it was. Finally, something good came out of one of Lucifer’s tricks. 

Dean started rubbing gentle circles over Cas’ knuckles with his thumb. He cleared his throat and began to sing very softly, 

“ _Words are flowing out like_  
_Endless rain into a paper cup_  
_They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe._  
_Pools of sorrow waves of joy_  
_Are drifting through my opened mind_  
_Possessing and caressing me._  
_Jai Guru Deva. Om_  
_Nothing's gonna change my world_  
_Nothing's gonna change my world_  
_Nothing's gonna change my world_  
_Nothing's gonna change my world…”_

His voice trembled as he reached the second verse, but before he could continue, Cas stirred. 

The angel blinked a few times, before turning to look at Dean. His eyes spoke of the confusion he was feeling, but the second he saw the hunter, he smiled. “Hello, Dean,” He rasped.

Dean could have cried, he darted forward and pulled Cas into a tight hug. “You stupid son of a bitch. Don’t you ever do anything so reckless ever again!” When Dean finally pulled away, he sat on the side of the bed, still having never let go of the angel’s hand. 

Cas looked down at their entwined hands, his face was scrunched up in the adorable confused look he usually had when he didn’t understand something. He asked, “Were you singing just now?”

Dean felt the heat in his cheeks intensify, embarrassed at having been caught, “It’s our song.” Shit. He hadn’t meant to say that out loud. Ah, well. It was too late to freak out about that. Dean smiled and had to stifle a laugh at the bewilderment that crossed his friend’s face.

“We… We have a song?”

“We uh… we could if you want?” Dean suggested, his tone hopeful. Before Cas could think about answering, Dean leaned forward to press a chaste kiss to the angel’s lips. He pulled back only slightly, their noses almost touching. He searched Castiel’s face for any sort of recognition or acceptance.

“You kissed me,” He stated, sounding a little dumbfounded.

Dean smiled and teased, “You caught that did you?” 

Cas moved to sit upright, causing both of them to shift a little further apart from each other. He shook his head, “No, I mean earlier. When I was still acting as Lucifer’s vessel. You kissed me then, didn’t you?”

Dean nodded, “I was pretty sure I was going to die, I didn’t want that to happen without trying to tell you uh… Shit, Cas. I’m not good with this emotional crap. Just… well…” He could not think of how to word what he wanted to say. Finally he said, “Fuck it. I love you and I didn’t want to die without you knowing it, okay?” He wasn’t sure why he felt so defensive, maybe it was the fact that he hated talking about his emotions.

Cas seemed stunned, he sat there, not saying anything or moving for several minutes. 

It was driving Dean insane, but he knew he needed to wait for the angel to process everything. 

Finally Cas asked, “You love me?”

Dean let out a frustrated half-chuckle, “Yeah, you idiot. I have for a long time, I just didn’t realize it until, well… it’s kind of hard to explain.”

“How… How does one know if they love another?”

Dean was a little taken aback. Of all of the responses to his confession, that was probably at the bottom of his list. He wasn’t really sure how to answer. “Uh… I don’t really know. I guess you know cuz that person is always on your mind. It’s pretty cliché, but it’s true. Everything you do is either for or because of that person. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all sunshine and unicorn farts, there’s gotta be an attraction, a uh… a physical need, too. But more than anything, you just can’t imagine your life without them.”

Cas seemed genuinely surprised. “That’s love?”

Dean shrugged helplessly, “I guess? I’m not an expert on this subject or anything, but I think so.”

The angel took a deep breath and said in a sort of amazed tone, “So, I’ve loved you for eight years?”

Dean smiled. He felt a little dumbfounded at that confession and asked, “Have you?”

“I’ve felt those things for you since the moment you chose to save that town instead of letting Uriel smite all of its citizens. You made me realize in that moment that not everything was as black and white as we had been taught. You put yourself at risk to save all of those lives and in that moment, you encompassed every single beautiful thing about humanity.”

Dean laughed, a wrecked and grateful sound. Man, they had missed out on so many opportunities because they were both so freakin’ stupid. 

Cas eyed him curiously, as though he was unsure why Dean was laughing. “What’s funny about this situation?”

Dean waved dismissively, “It’s just that, well… we’ve both been pretty stupid.”

//SPN//

That night, Dean crawled into his bed next to Castiel. They both needed to take things slowly. They shared a tender kiss before curling up together. Dean was spooning the angel, holding onto him as though he may disappear at any moment. The sound of Cas’ evened out breathing lulled him to a calm and content place. He knew there was going to be a lot to deal with. Being with an angel of the Lord was probably frowned upon by Heaven, even if they couldn’t actually produce kids. Not to mention the whole superhero clichés of loving another person basically putting a target on their back as well as your own. But damnit, he knew in the end, however things panned out, he wanted to give this whole happiness thing a real shot this time. They deserved it.

Castiel started humming ‘Across the Universe’ and Dean smiled. He decided it was worth it, all of it. The risks, the danger, the potential for pain and heartache. It was worth it to finally be lying next to his angel. Home. Safe. Loved. He fell into a dreamless sleep to the soft sounds of Cas humming. For once, the heart choice worked out for them.


	10. Nothing's Gonna Change My World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THESE NOTES FIRST:  
> So here’s the deal: The chapter you just finished can act as an ending for this story. If you are happy with the story stopping there, then I urge you to **not** read this chapter. If you’re a glutton for punishment, and/or just want to know how it officially ends, then please remember, I did warn you.

Dr. Milton was holding a clipboard, watching Dean Winchester’s vitals on the monitors, concern and bewilderment etched into her features. She had asked Benny to go and find one of the neurologists when the nurse had started to get emotional.

Dean’s heart rate and blood pressure were normal, so he was in no apparent cardiac distress. It was his breathing that was concerning. They had placed him on a nasal cannula when his saturations had dropped into the 80’s, which had helped. But if his respiratory rate continued to increase and his blood gases continued to decline, they were likely going to have to intubate him.

Dr. Shepherd was standing near the wall across from the end of the bed. He was shaking his head in sadness as he quietly watched his colleague. 

“I don’t understand this, Derek. He was walking and talking, how can someone fall right back into a coma without any additional injury to the brain?” She sounded just as sad as she sounded confused.

“I have no idea, Anna.” Dr. Shepherd replied, sadly.

In that moment, Mary, John, Sam, and Castiel burst through the door to Dean’s room. When Mary saw her son, unmoving and back to where he had been a few weeks prior, she collapsed into her husband, unable to stop the heartbroken wail that came from her lips. 

John tried to console his wife, holding her upright. He turned his attention to Dr. Milton while holding Mary. “What the hell did you people do to our son?!” He demanded.

Dr. Shepherd approached the bereft parents, “I’m so sorry, Mr. Winchester. We honestly don’t know what has caused Dean to relapse into his comatose state.”

“Who the hell are you?!” John screamed. 

Sam appeared at his father’s side, placing a consoling hand on the man’s shoulder. “Dad, please, they’re here to help.” He turned to Dr. Shepherd, “I’m his brother, Sam. We saw him yesterday. He was fine, maybe a little tired. This doesn’t make sense.”

Dr. Milton appeared at her colleague’s side, “I am so sorry, we have some labs being run. He’ll be taken for a cat scan of the head and an EEG in a few hours. We hope to find what has caused your brother to fall unconscious again.”

“Is there any hope of him coming back, like he did before?” Castiel’s voice trembled as he asked from his place on the side of Dean’s bed. He was holding the unconscious man’s hand, periodically squeezing in the hopes of feeling him squeeze back.

It took everything in Dr. Milton to remain professional, despite the fact that her heart was literally breaking for this family. “I am so sorry to tell you this, but his condition has actually worsened. He’s having more difficulty breathing on his own and if he continues to decompensate, we’re going to have to intubate him. He’s not responding to any pain stimulus and his eyes are not reacting to light. I… I don’t think he will come back.”

Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Milton flinched when John punched the wall next to him. He cried out, “He was perfectly fine yesterday!” 

Sam moved to grab his mother, as she was having difficulty staying on her feet. She swayed and he was barely able to catch her in time. 

“I want my son my back!” She cried as Sam pulled her in an embrace against his chest.

The two doctors continued to explain as much as they could to the grief stricken family. Castiel tuned them out, choosing to focus all of his attention on Dean. He held the hand of the man he loved, unmoving on that godforsaken hospital bed. He raised Dean’s hand to his lips. Lips that were wet from his tears. Tears he was sure would never stop. “You said you were here, you told me that we would work through this. We…” He pressed a kiss to each one of Dean’s knuckles before letting out a heart broken exhale. “We were finally happy.”

Castiel used his free hand to gently caress Dean’s face, “I wish I had been enough. God, I wish I had been enough.” He fell forward and lay across the chest of the man he loved. He could hear Dean’s heartbeat and with each little thump, he felt his own heart break into more and more pieces. 

Staying in that position, Castiel softly began to sing, his voice breaking and trembling with every other word, “Nothing’s gonna change my world…”

_The End_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to comment, give kudos, or bookmark this. I have been wanting to write this for quite some time and I am very happy I finally did. I hope you enjoyed it.


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